Twitter

Back in April, I blogged about Facebook and what my thoughts on it were.  I also mentioned Twitter and how pointless I found it.  I have to confess, at the time I was heavily into Second Life (as I had been on and off for the last 3 years -mostly on) so the time I spent on Facebook was rather limited and I really didn't care to spend much time trying to figure out Twitter.  Well, as things evolve and change, I finally managed to move away from Second Life.  I won't say I'll never go back, because it's nice to stick my little pixel avatar's head in there every now and then just to wave hello to some of the people I have grown to love and some I do truly miss.  But the pull that it had for me has gone and there are days (weeks?) that go by that I don't even think about it.
So, that left me wondering back to Facebook and I started gaming again too - I'm one of those people who cannot just sit there and do nothing, I need stimulation and will constantly search for something to engage my mind and imagination - and more recently I ventured over to twitter and spent a little bit of time trying to figure it out.

My initial impressions of Twitter was that it was a tool to stalk so-called celebrities or people you admired.   So I wondered around and 'followed' and then 'unfollowed' people and tweeted occasionally, but it still left me scratching my head trying to understand the whole point of it was.  Then, one day the penny dropped.

I started to follow like minded people and my little network started to grow.  Anyone that knows me or has followed this blog will know my aspirations to be a novelist.  And this was the 'type' of people I started to follow.  Novelist, poets, artist, and aspiring writers like me.  Twitter has now become my chief source of inspiration.  The people I have met there - some follow me back, some I just follow, - inspire me with their work.  I read their books, their blogs, admire their art and look forward to their publication dates.  I read their tweets and realise that this could be me.  One day. And I itch to do my own work.

More recently I have met a bunch of ladies - incredibly talented the lot of them - who I tweet with daily.  We are all like-minded and spend quite a lot of time talking about our daily lives and current affairs and I have grown to really enjoy my time spent with them and look forward to catching up with each of them daily.  We have joked around and started to call ourselves the PJ club (pyjama club) in reference to the Christmas season and wanting to all hang out in our PJ's in front of the fire and just chill out or write or do whatever makes us happy.  One of them (I won't mention her name unless she gives me the green light to do so) recently came up with an idea and has started a unique blog for all of us, and in a matter of hours she had me writing a poem for it.  I haven't written any poetry since 2009!  It certainly isn't the best one I've done - I'm somewhat out of practice - but it did get the creative juices flowing and I am so pleased about that and grateful to her for pushing me.  I'm grateful to all of them.  I don't know if they realise how they inspire me.

So, now Twitter is my latest addiction.  I spend hours there and really enjoy it.  As I type this entry I'm twitching to head over to twitter and catch up!  I'm eager to go to the other blog too and see if anything has been posted since I've been away.  I look forward to catching up with the PJ club ladies and tweeting with them. Mostly I look forward to being further inspired.  Its the eve of 2012 and my one and only resolution for this new year is to make a decent start to my first novel.  I have all the tools I need on twitter on how to proceed, how to get published and who to talk to. There are so many people there who offer advice and who have been where I am now.  The inspiration is invaluable and I'm truly grateful for everyone of them.

Bx

What I have learned

Many moons ago, (2001) I wrote a few points on lessons I thought were important in life.  I was just re-reading them this afternoon and thought that they all still applied, as much now as they did then.  So I thought I would re post it here.

Perhaps you have some you could add to them? If so, comment and let me know

What I have learnt 

- I've learnt the people will surprise you and sometimes shock you. Those you trusted and respected may quite easily be the ones to stab you in your back, and those you considered strangers, will often turn out to be your rock.

- I've learnt that patience is truly a virtue. Sometimes, no matter how badly you want something you have to resign yourself to wait. All the best things in life come to those that wait, and that is no cliche.

- I've learnt that there are things in life that are truly petty, and ought to be put away or thrown out as petty. When in life, there are so many important issues to deal with, anytime arguing over the petty, is precious time wasted.

- I have learnt not to judge people. Neither by their actions nor their words. The only one who's happiness I have any say over is my own. And by not judging others, I will not lend an ear to those that gossip about me. Only I can make my own decisions and no one else can be held responsible for them.

- I've learnt that my mother is not only my mother but also my best friend. I've learnt that even though she may not always agree with that which I do or say, she will always stand behind me and be there for me. I only hope that one day my children will see that same person in me.

- I've learnt that nothing just falls into your lap. If there are things in your life that you want, you need to fight and/or work for it. Those of us who have dreams should realise that as long as we are only dreaming and not acting, they will always remain only dreams.

- I've learnt that life is not easy and that everything depends on your outlook to things. The road of life is filled with holes and pitfalls and if I should stay down once I've fallen into one, life will only trample me as it passes me by. One needs to get straight up, dust one's self off and carry on, keeping eyes steadfastly focused ahead.

- I've learnt that nobody lives forever and that each and everyone of us will ultimately die. Saying this we are reminded that we only have one life. What decisions we make and how we choose to live our lives will all result in either our happiness or unhappiness.

- I've learnt that its useless holding onto the past. Memories, trinkets or souvenirs, will only hold us back and make it that much harder to move on. Every waking day should be embraced as a new start.

- I've learnt not to be afraid of change. Some of the biggest decisions in our lives involve huge, life altering decisions. Making these changes, no matter how scary sometimes, may be the best move you ever made.

- In saying that, I've also learnt that nothing in this life is guaranteed. That most times we live in uncertainty of what the outcome of our choices may be. But always remember, spending the rest of your life wondering "what if i had..." is no better and perhaps even worse than picking up and starting over. And by starting over and learning from your mistakes, you gain valuable life experience.

- I've learnt to smile at myself, to recognise that nobody is perfect and without fault, least of all me. To realise that I do make mistakes, will make many more, but to recognise them and to deal with them.

- Lastly, I've learnt that no matter how old I get, I will never stop learning the valuable lessons that life has to give me.

Look up

I said I would, and I did.
Look up, you will see a new tab in the navigational menu.
Please click on the Poetry tab and take a look.  This is all old work of mine that I copied off my old websites.

Feel free to comment on any that you like/hate/whatever

Bx

Finger Doom

I am so frustrated.  I had all these plans!  And then I went and got my finger (ring finger, left hand) crushed in a door.  This happened during a drunken Christmas party in London two weeks ago. 
On the plus side, at least I was full of alcohol at the time.  Because of that I never felt a thing and found the whole finger drama very amusing.  I especially giggled when I spurted blood over everyone and everything.  I have not seen so much blood (in real life that is) in my life!  My co-workers were taken aback and were rather shocked when they saw me after my first A&E visit and the term Texas Chainsaw Massacre came up a few times in conversation at the sight of me and my hotel room.  So, thank God for alcohol which helped make the whole thing pretty pain free. (At the time)
On the down side, (and this is the side that tips the scales) had it not been for the booze, I probably would have:
a) Seen the door
b) Not bled like a slaughtered animal
c) Have had to undergo plastic surgery to fix my finger (It's still kinda gross (I saw it post-op for the first time yesterday))
d) Have had to pop pain killers for the last 2 weeks due to how painful it is, and most importantly for me,
e) Being able to still type at the speed that I do and with the normal accuracy that I do

This is why I am so frustrated!
I spend ages typing with one finger, and spend twice the amount of time having to go back and correct the errors.  I have heard myself softly growling under my breath in the pure irritation of it all.  Worse is, I was going to use this Christmas break to begin working on my novel.  Its all in my head, but I would go insane trying to type it in this state.  Sooo slow and I would loose half the plot whilst I go back and spend 5 minutes trying to correct the spelling on a single word where I keep pressing the wrong keys!

Perhaps I should give it a go anyway.  I fear though that I would end up punching the computer screen at the frustration at not being able to get out the words quickly enough and end up with a bandaged hand!  Well, I guess that wouldn't make things much worse.

Anyway, there you have it, rant over with.  Its taken me over half an hour to type this blog entry, but on the plus side, At least I got out of wrapping Christmas presents this year. :)

If I don't blog again before Christmas, I wish you a happy and peaceful one.  I for one, cannot wait to unwrap 11.22.63 by Stephen King!!!

Bx

Race hate

So I guess just about anyone who is breathing and over the age of, say 10 years old, has probably seen the video on Youtube of the crazy British woman on a tram from London to Croydon this week?  The one entitled 'My tram experience'?  I would have posted the video url here, but, well, as I said, everyone has probably seen it by now, and besides I don't  really want to blight this page with smut like that.  And I'm sorry, but that is truly how I see this video.  My colleagues were talking about it in the office the other day and we all hopped onto Youtube to see what the fuss was about, and my mouth literally hung open in shock when I watched it.  Other than the fact that she was clearly drunk and/or stoned and also, aside from the fact that she had a little boy on her lap, she was fearless and clearly insane.  Well, I chose the word insane because one would have to be in order to sit there and pick on a tram full of people - full of multiracial people - and swear and spew racial abuse at them.  Yes, I understand she has been arrested 'for her own safety' I am told, and this is probably for the best.  I am sure when she came down from whatever she was on and I'm sure, on viewing the video of herself on Youtube, she was mortified.  Well, one can only hope.  But, my heart goes out to that little boy.  What kind of environment will he be growing up in?  Where he will be taught that hating someone just because they don't speak the same language or because they have a different colour skin is the acceptable thing to do.  This is the 21st century.  Our planet is getting smaller and smaller with every new advancement of technology and we all live in it, right on top of each other.  Where will you be if you cannot accept that the town/country/planet where you live is made up of many different types of people.  If you cannot be accepting of that, then i'm sorry, but its your life that is going to be hard to live. You, the racist.

I was born in a country where race hate was very much a part of my background.  Everyone knows the history South Africa has with 'apartheid'.  Its not pretty and I am not proud.  But just because you grow up with it doesnt mean you have to be like that.  We are nothing, if not the makers of our own fate/destiny.  We are nothing, if not responsible for our own lives and happiness and thats why I chose not to be racist. Its a conscience decision that ultimately means that I don't carry issues of hate around with me.  Yes, people piss me off sometimes.  Yes, I get mad and swear at people sometimes, but I don't have issues with who they are, just some things that they do.  And I don't give a damn what colour they are or what language they speak or in which country they were born. And I will tell you this, being accepting of people makes you a happier person.  I don't want to walk around with hate in my heart and I don't know why anyone would choose to.  Ultimately, it is you who will be miserable in yourself and I can only hope that little boy makes his own decisions and does not grow up into an adult believing the hate his mother spews or worse, that he becomes just like her.

The problem with me

For as long as I can remember, well, maybe not that long, but for many years now, there has been one thing that I have always wanted to do.  This one thing has never changed and in fact, the more that time goes by, the more determined I am to make it happen.  So, for the life of me, I cannot understand why I don't just sit down and sort it out.  My dad has said some wise things in his time, but one of the wisest of them all, though he cannot take credit for coining the actual phrase although I do think of him every time I think it, is: 'If you want something bad enough, make it happen.'   And I totally agree with that.  I know I have said these same words to many people.  With the added words of 'If you want something bad enough, go out and get it' and 'Only you can make your dreams come true' and (as if I haven't got my point quite across yet) 'You are in control of your own life, take control of it and go for it' etc.

A few years back, we had an administrator that used to work for us who had aspirations of working with Orang-utans.  She had a passion for them and one day I said to her 'Trish, you are still young, there is nothing stopping you for doing just that, go study, go do what you need to do and live your dream.  Because before you know it, you are 40, married and the chance is forever gone'.  And that is just what she did.  She is now doing something she totally loves.  (although I believe her love went from those orange creatures to Gorilla's or something) but still, she is passionate about this and doing something she really enjoys.  I wish somebody had said that to me when I was 20 years old.  Or, maybe someone did, but I just wasn't listening.

Anyway, tick tock the clock goes, and indeed, before I knew it, I was married and 40 and working as an Office Manager for a recruitment consultancy with 2 children who are both in their teens and my excuse now is, 'there never is any time'.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Is that really a decent excuse? No, I don't think so, I think I've been lying to myself, because I think I'm scared.  The problem with me is, I have delusions of grandeur. When I picture myself as a novelist, I picture me being someone everyone has heard of.  I don't mind saying (as ridiculous as it is) that I want to be as big as Stephen King.  I want to write a cult story like Stephanie Meyer.  Be as well read as Jodi Picoult. Neither of these writers may have impressed you much, but the point is, everyone has heard of them!  You might not be a fan of Twilight but the fact is, everyone knows what it is.  And as for Stephen King, who hasn't heard of him?  The list of successful novelists is huge and I want to be right up there with all of them.
So, the other day I had a serious think to myself.  I need to stop that.  Its not about writing the next best seller (although that would be nice) but its about seeing my work in print.  One thing I used to say years ago, is it would be nice to know, when I die there is something of me left behind.  And I know, I know, its easy to say 'well, you have your children left behind that is a part of you once you're gone' but that goes without saying and besides, so does millions of people.  What would be nice though, is for my children, and my children's children and so on, to pick up a book and see my name of the cover and to read it and to be proud of that.

I've had some of my work published, but its poetry, and not to belittle all the fellow poets of the world, to me, its not quite the same. It was too easy to submit poetry and to get a letter back saying it was going to be published in some poetry compilation, and never to hear anything about that again.  No, its not quite the same for me.  I never even bought the poetry compilation books they were published in.  That's my bad I guess.  But I am willing to bet, not one of you who is reading this blog will own any of those either.

So what is the problem then?  How badly do I want to write a novel? Oh My Goodness (censored that for you mom) More than you will ever know.  I'm following a few writers on twitter.  Brandon Ford, you might not realise it, but both you and Kimberly inspire me.  Especially you.  I do listen to the advise you give and I intend to apply it.  I'm not actually stalking either of you *sticks out tongue* even if your conversations on there amuse me sometimes. The fact is, you've done it, so there is no reason I cannot. Unless of course, I cannot write to save me life.  I don't believe that's true though.

So, enough of the procrastination.  Enough of the excuses.  Enough.  I'm blogging this now, so I'm essentially setting myself up for ridicule if I don't, but the motivation needs to be more than that and it is, its there, it really is.  I need to sit myself down and just make a start.  The story is in my head.  Its already there, I just need to start.  And like I have been advised, set myself a target of so many words per day and just begin.  I somehow think, once I do that, it will be a lot easier than I think, and I am hoping that I will be able to look back and ask myself why I was ever scared in the first place.

Here is hoping .....

I may not be the next Stephanie Meyer with a massive cult following who wrote a story loved by millions. Nor will I EVER be the next Stephen King.  I can only be me, and hope that I manage to get published and read by at least one person who will enjoy it.  Any more after that will only be a bonus.

Bx

Listening to Adele while I blog and having the best time - I could just keep typing forever.

What is it with Romania?

Right, I don't know what is going on, but I don't trust it.  Not one little bit.

For the last week or so, I have been getting a lot of random hits.  OK, maybe a lot is an exaggeration, but there is around 5+ hits per day that I am rather confused about.  Also, I have been checking the referral sites, and the one that shows up day after day is one I do not recognise.  Turns out, I've made it to a search engine (or something) in Romania, and I have no idea why?  Is it because I'm suddenly famous over there, well, I'm not inclined to believe that unless you know something I don't.....so...what is it?  Why is it that suddenly Romania (and Russia) is hitting my website a few times everyday.  Hmmmmm.  I smell a rat!

Could it have something to do, do you think, with the fact that suddenly I'm getting comments on my blog?  The sad thing though, is that its all spam.  I never used to get this before either?  Oh, how exciting it is for me every time I log on and am informed that there is an unauthorised comment waiting for my approval, only to read it to find someone is trying to sell me something.  Or telling me how I can get my blog 'out there' for everyone to see.  Now while I don't think that's such a bad idea, because, seriously what would be the point of all of this if I didn't want it out there for everyone to read, I am feeling a little bit like...hmmm...i don't trust you matey.  Delete and Next!

So what is it with Romania?  (And Russia).  What has happened or what did I click that's got someone or something, clicking on my blog daily.  Wish I knew.

Bx

The Twilight Zone

So everything came to a head this week.  You know how I have been complaining about my work load and about how I was struggling to cope?  Well the last few weeks things have gone from bad to worse.  I have been sat at the edge of my seat, day after day, literally ready to grab my bag, get up and walk out of the office, uttering a few words along the lines of 'take your damn job and shove it' (I've described the censored version here).  Instead, I grab a cigarette and go downstairs and stand outside smoking, whilst trying to breathe deeply and stop myself from crying.  I feel sorry for the few people that I drag downstairs with me and complain about my sad lot.  I fear poor Colin's ears may start bleeding soon.  If nothing else, I have grown sick of the sound of my own whining voice. 

Earlier in the week a friend asked me on Facebook how things were going at work and I once again started typing about how awful it was, but then stopped myself because I really just didn't want to have to complain again, and instead, I said to her that I would need to sort this out once and for all. And finally, I realised that I would have to do something about this.  While I was sat there complaining and feeling the way I was, nothing was changing, It was up to me to make that change.  So, on Thursday, I sat my directors down and told them.  And when I say told them, I mean I laid all my cards on the table and didn't hold back any punches.  It was the best thing I have done in a very long time. 

I was so incredibly scared.  I don't know why I was so afraid, but I was literally shaking like a leaf.  The heat of emotion spread across my chest and even as I sat there talking to them, tears were welling up in my eyes and I had to force myself to hold back.  I did not want to get all emotional and girlie.  I was ready to quit my job but I wanted to remain professional about it.

I was preparing myself for the challenges they were going to throw back at me to the things that I was saying.  But this never happened.  I thought I would have to try justify everything I was saying, but this too, I need not have worried about.  Instead, they sat there in front of me nodding, agreeing to everything I was saying.  As I sat there speaking, I felt this awful weight start to lift off me and slowly I started to smile.  They agreed with me, with almost everything I stated.  And the outcome of it all?  Get whatever you need Bernadette.  We know you are overworked.  We knew this was coming.  We are sorry we have neglected you. 

Why had I not done this months ago?

What on earth is wrong with me?

If anyone knows me then they know how strongly I feel about communication.  Speak, tell me how you feel, tell me what you want.  Always be honest.  This is me.  Yet, for months I have sat in that office, slowly brewing like a volcano getting closer and closer to that inevitable explosion.  What an idiot I have been! All I can think is that I have been subconsciously not wanting to appear to fail.  That I have wanted to appear super efficient and able to cope with it all.  That I would somehow catch up and get on top of things again. Oh the irony.  I have not been able to catch up and get on top of it all for years.  I don't know what I was thinking.

Anyway, since that conversation it is like I have entered the twilight zone.  Suddenly, everything is different, suddenly the way I am being treated is different.  Its like I have been raised up and put on this pedestal.  I complained that I am not respected in the office and suddenly I am VIP employer.  Obviously I am loving it, but it does all feel a bit surreal.
Its incredible what a bit of recognition can do for a persons self esteem.
At the moment, I am advertising for help and I have a few 100 CVs to go through this weekend from applicants.  I CANNOT wait to get the interviews over with and to begin to train someone. 
Yes, it will involve MORE work that I can very well do without.  More of my time spent on training someone, time that I don't have, but I will have to do it in order to reap the benefits.At least I feel positive now, Its been a long time since I felt that at work, and I am SO happy about that.

I hope you never have to read me complain about work again.  I wish never to have to hear my own voice whine 'woe is me!'  I am not stupid enough to believe that its all happy days from here on in, as I know there will be lots of bumps in the road, but if I learned anything this week, it was to speak up before things get that bad again, so I never need sit down here again and blog about how unhappy and overworked I am at work.  If I ever do, please remind me of this... 

Bx

Stephen

My love affair with Stephen goes back a long long time.  I cant remember how old I was exactly.  11? 13?  I'm not sure now but it was somewhere around there when I went to our local library - which was all of about 50 steps outside my front gate - and picked up a book entitled Christine.  I remember holding the book in my hands and thinking that it would be the fattest book I would have read at that point in my life.  I dared myself and walked back the 50 odd steps and sat down to begin what was to become the beginning of my long standing fascination with Mr King.

I was instantly addicted.  I love his writing style, his plot lines, how he makes you believe in the characters.  Root for them, love some of them, hate some of them.  I've read nearly every single book he has ever written with the exception of just a few, notably the Dark Tower series.  I'm honest when I say I'm not sure why I haven't read any of those, but for some reason, the covers have always sort of put me off. (Ridiculous I know)  And I'll be honest when I say I've never even picked up one to read what its actually about, but that is one series Ive always gone...'meh...not bothered'.  But there you go.  Perhaps, after I've written this, I will go downstairs, pick up the first book in the series and have a read and change my mind.

If i say I've read a 100 books in my life, I would be fibbing...Ive easily read a thousand books, if not more.  I wish there was a way of counting, but there isn't.  Many I've forgotten.  I'll pick up a book and look at the cover and not remember that I've read it.  Some, I'll even read the story synopsis on the back cover and it wont look familiar.  Not until I've read a few pages into it and realise that I have already read it.  Those are the books that don't really make much of an impact on me.  Then there are those that do, and I blogged about Rosamund Lupton recently so she clearly did.  But then there is Mr King's books.  I remember each and every one of them.  Ive recommended many of his books to friends of mine, and have lost many books by lending them out.  A lesson I never really seem to learn from.
But, if I was to choose just one book, in all the books I've ever read to be my favourite book it would be, without a doubt, The Stand.  Ive read it a few times and I'll read it a few times more, and I'm not talking the watered down version, I'm talking the uncut version.  It truly is an epic of a story which stays with you for days and days after.  The last time I read it, even though I knew I was coming to the end of the story, and even though I knew how it ended, I still didn't want it to end.  I just wished I could carry on reading it forever.

Yesterday, I saw a clip of Stephen King giving an interview about 11.22.63 and I was shocked to see how much he had aged.  I still remember his picture on the back of the book of Christine and that's the face I see every time I think of him, yet there he was, talking about where he was when Kennedy was assassinated, and that that was their 911 of the time and it got me thinking about all of our mortality and the thought that he would one day no longer be around to write any more books was an incredibly sad thought for me.  I'm always looking out for his next new book.  I loved Dome - read it in a few days and I loved Cell.  He is yet to disappoint me.

One day, when trying to explain to my daughter, the wonder of Mr King, I grabbed IT off the shelf and started to read the first few pages to her.  The story gripped her, like I knew it would, right from the start, and later, I overheard her telling her brother the little bit of the story that I had read to her.  She is yet to pick up the book and read it proper for herself though.

So...what is this blog all about then.  Goodness knows really?  Except to say that I am so thankful for Mr King, and for authors like him. Thinking of Mr Dean R Koontz now.  I love reading and love nothing better than to be transported into another world.  I love the fact that I can read horror and be scared out of my wits, but close the book after a while and be safe and simply enjoy the story as it was meant to be enjoyed.

I am currently reading Brandon Ford - Decayed Etchings, this is a new discovery of mine (I'll thank Twitter for that) and the jury is still out on what I think about him. He has a rather weird imagination. Somewhat dark, which I love, and one or two of his stories in this book has stayed with me, which is good.  One of these stories actually made me queasy and that takes a lot nowadays, but a lot of the endings to his short stories leave me feeling rather flat and I sit there thinking...really? That's it?  I think I'll reserve judgement until Ive read a full novel of his first though.

I'll keep you posted.

Bx

Life

Dammit, I haven't blogged in ages.  *Slaps herself hard on the wrist*  Its pretty terrible of me, but I've been in this 'couldnt be arsed' mood, which is good in a way as I don't have any pressing topics to blog about, but bad as the creative juices stop flowing. (if I ever had any of them in the first place??)
Anyway, here is my list of excuses...there aren't that many really in all honesty.

I've, ermm...been busy ...ermmm..Gaming. 
Yeah, that's my latest thing. 
Spend literally 30 minutes on facebook - and lately 30 minutes on twitter (my new thing too - I blame Alycia) and then I'm off playing some or other game.  The Second Life fetish is over for now. (Pete will be terribly relieved to know) but I'll never say never again, coz anything can happen and I may find myself wondering down that road again one day, but for now, its all about gaming. 

I'm not sure if that's as sad as Second Life?  It probably is but as long as I'm happy right? 
It was my birthday a few days ago and I got loads of games, so I'll be trying them out and finding out if I have any new favourites.  For now, I'm still loving Age of Empires, Rise of Nations, and really enjoying the 'cute and prettiness' of Settlers.

Aside from that, there isn't much else going on.  Work is as bad as ever, and getting worse.  It really is getting so bad that I literally cannot cope anymore.  I have a review next week and I'll be saying my peace.  I hope it goes my way, but if not, I will have to cut my losses and say goodbye to that bunch.  One can only take that much right?

Other than that, I had an idea just now.  I thought I might take all my poems that Ive done so far and put them here.  Not sure if you would be interested in reading them or not, or if anyone that hasn't been to my old websites and had a look would want to see them, but I thought I could add them all here and hopefully get a comment or two?  I don't know, I always hope for comments and they don't happen (hint hint).

I will try get here more often and blog.  Its silly that Ive let it slide.  But, as they always say I guess, no news is good news.
Right, I'm outta here. 
Speak soon
Bx

Holidays

Ive been away for 2 weeks and have just returend from VERY sunny Crete in Greece.  I loved and adored it.  I wanted to blog while I was away, but due to me having too much fun, AND limited Internet connection, it just didnt happen. 
I will be catching up with blogging as soon as i've caught up with everything else. 
Photos being uploaded to facebook as we speak.

Bx

Acceptance

Is sometimes one of the hardest things to do. I have been struggling to accept this one thing since the day I turned 24. I have no idea why I've turned out this way. I wish it was so, but there you go. It is what it is as they say.

This morning, I was looking in the mirror while applying my makeup getting ready for work and was looking at all the grey in my hair and thinking it was due for another colour, when my thoughts drifted to a conversation I had had last night with an old school friend of mine. – No emphasis on the word old please!- and I was thinking of her asking me how I felt that I was on the cusp of experiencing empty nest syndrome. Now, while the idea of having the house to myself is intriguing, the thought that my children are almost old enough to actually be leaving the house is terrifying. You don’t understand, it is literally terrifying.


When they say time races by, they are not kidding. I remember my daughter being a little baby in my arms and truly, it feels like only a year ago or so now. The truth is, its 17 years ago and I have no idea where the time went. In that time, my son has been born, I've gone through the toddler stage, teething stage, just starting school phase and boyfriends and girlfriend stage. Ive seen my daughter finish school and start college and watched my son grow taller than me. This has literally all happened in a blink of an eye. I cannot sit here and reminisce about it but its almost like it didn’t happen. One minute they were babies, the next I’m discussing empty next syndrome with my friend.

Oh My God, how did this happen?
And more importantly, WHY does the idea of my children growing up freak me out?

I remember back when I was something like 10 years old and my mom was telling me about this friend of theirs who was age phobic. She said something along the lines of him not been able to accept that he was ‘getting old’ and sometimes acted like a child and she insinuated that this was indeed a terribly sad thing. I am just like him now.

I'll be turning 41 this year. Yet, the average age of my friends is around 30. The ethic in my office is a young one, where I guess, the average age is 27 and I am the 2nd eldest there, yet I am the first one going out after work for a quick drink. Or the one texting my husband saying that I'm meeting up with friends after work and am going clubbing. I have no idea what my younger mates must think of this, nor do I want to know, but I am not going to suddenly become old and graceful. No, I don’t think so!

I am the one telling my daughter that I look forward to her turning 18 so that her and I can go clubbing. What is up with that? Worse, is she actually seems to be looking forward to it? I guess, this is a good thing, but I can imagine my horror if my mother had said the same thing to me 20 years ago. Perhaps my daughter is just humouring me. Goodness knows what she says about me behind my back.

So, why am I blogging about this? Because it is a real issue for me. If I could just start acting my age, grabbing the slippers and the knitting and forget about hanging out with my younger friends then all would be well in the world. If I could join my husband, who I am sure I must irritate a great deal with me ‘Lets go out!’ or ‘Do you mind if I go out tonight’ and be content with spending my evenings in front of the television and not downloading the latest hits to my ipod then I’m sure he would be very pleased. But the sight of grey hairs on my head, saggy skin and wrinkles which I am sure will be arriving soon, actually freaks me out. Imagine how I am going to be when menopause hits? I don’t even want to contemplate it!

They say 40 is the new 30. I can live with that, but I'm not sure if my 20 something behaviour is all that cool? It’s probably not, but I cannot help it. I'm not about to go lay down and get old. If I could freeze time then I would.

No, I'm not one of those parents that looks forward to her grandchildren arriving. I’m not one of those people who look forward to retirement. Well, the part where I don’t have to go work sounds good to me, but I don’t want to fall into the OAP category. Id rather someone took me outside and shot me before I got there.

You think I'm kidding? I'm not. My close friends who know me will have probably heard me say this before. If I came into a lot of money, id be booking my appointment with the plastic surgeon for a bit of nip and tucks and scheduling the botox. I'm not quite ready for a facelift yet thank you very much!

But Ohhhhh to be able to age gracefully would save me so much time, money and energy.

Are there pills out there I can buy for me to accept that I'm not 26 anymore? Would I even buy them if there was? Probably not.

Red tape and London

I've booked a holiday ...yay me...and its all very exciting, coz we are off to a SUNNY (hopefully) Greek Island.  I've been dreaming about going on holiday to a Greek Island (seriously, it has had to be a Greek Island) for a good while now, so imagine my excitement when I came out of the travel agency last Friday with a booked itinerary in my hands.  Oh I just couldn't wait to get home and google all kinds of tropical Mediterranean beaches and get satellite images of the hotel where we are going to stay.

There was just this little issue that I needed sorting though, before I would allow myself to get overly excited and that was to sort out the visa's for the kids.  Lucky for me, I already have one from my previous trip to Chamonix in February so I knew I was all sorted.

Imagine my disappointment then, when I read that Greece wasn't as accommodating as France and that it required a visit to the Greek embassy in London - this after a semi panic of hearing that the earliest appointment I could get is September 2nd! (false alarm).  We would have been back from our holiday by almost 2 weeks by then!  Luckily, being family members, we get to skip the 'make an appointment part' and come straight on in, and therefore we are all off to London tomorrow to try and get ourselves some visa's.

I am not looking forward to it.  I remember what it was like when I applied for my first extension visa in the UK (the one that you apply for after you marry, where you get 1 years further grace to live here).  I think it was called a spouse visa, but I'm not so sure now.  Sitting there, waiting to see somebody, reminds me a bit like an A&E only with 5 times the amount of people.  Mostly, everyone is speaking a foreign language (I guess they will all be speaking Greek tomorrow) and you feel a little bit like cattle or sheep being herded from one stall to another.  And then you play the waiting game.  I will be taking my book along, there is about 100 pages left to read, but its a good thing Ive got a kindle too coz once I finish that book, I can just download another. 
Well, I say that as if I'm hoping to be waiting around for something.  The best case scenario is I leave tomorrow with 2 x new schengen visa's in my hands.  (That would be the payoff for the sitting around waiting.) Worst case, is I wont have them before August 5th when we leave because a) they don't somehow see me tomorrow or b) they do but the visa's don't get here in time.  So, as far as I'm concerned, just having them, anytime between tomorrow and August 5th is a result. 

I really hate all the red tape and bureaucratic drama involved whenever you deal with a government department like that.  I know I should seriously start considering looking into citizenship and getting that all behind me, but that's another nightmare I always prefer not to deal with yet always comes around to haunt me in times like this. 

So, wish me luck tomorrow.  Ill let you know how it went.

Bx

I'm not morbid, I promise

So I'm sat here tonight wondering what to write about? I was sat here last night, fingers hovering over the keys on my keyboard, wondering the same thing, when my facebook chat thingie beeped and it was a friend asking me how my blogging was going. I said it was going great (coz it is and I love it) but that I was a little stuck for what to write about. I asked him how his book was going, and he said he was suffering from lack of motivation. So we chatted, and the chat somehow turned onto the subject of serial killers.

This is the part where I try to convince you I'm not morbid. (or weird, though after my chat with my friend last night, he may not agree)

Ever had a fascination in something that when you told people about it, they look at you funny? I tend to get that from time to time when I get all excited on the topic of serial killers. A few years back, I announced to my office colleagues that I was very excited because I was stopping off at 25 Cromwell Street in Gloucester on my way down south to Cornwall. Some gave me rather blank looks, but some looked at me in horror like I had just announced I was going to dye my hair blond or cut off my leg. The truth is, I was really excited to go there. Mostly because I had read so much about it and I wanted to be able to say I'd been there, I'd seen it for myself.

I don't know where my fascination in serial killings started. I think it was round about the time my fascination in World War two Nazi extermination camps started (you freaked out yet?). This is about 10 years ago.
What happened was, I had moved back home to my parents house in order to get myself ready to emigrate to the UK. I didn't have too much to do with my time other than sit around and sunbathe (oh the pain of it!) while I waited for my visa's to come through. My grandfather had been a soldier in World War 2 and had fought up in north Africa and my mom showed me his diaries that he had kept while fighting. I kept a website then too, and I offered to have them typed up and put on the web for whoever to read them. It took me a few weeks but I did eventually get them all typed up. What happened though, is that I got engrossed in his story and I started googling information on world war 2 and one thing led to another and I got to read all about the various death camps around Germany and Poland....and my fascination in that was born. (Click here for the link to my grandfathers diaries).
I remember somehow happening on a site about murderers - it was something about a true story being converted into a movie called 'Paradise Lost' and me getting engrossed in that.  That led to me ending up on a site called Crime Library and it just took off from there.

I had never thought much about it before.  To be fair, thinking about killers and how they think was something that never crossed my mind.  But once I started reading about all the different serial killers in the world (and there are SO MANY) I become totally engrossed and completely fascinated.

Its not because I love the idea of killing.  Don't misunderstand me!  Its the fact that I wonder what goes through their minds. What makes some people different that they can kill, and get a thrill from it?  If you asked me to pick somebody random in the street and kill them, I would bulk and would never even consider such a thing, so why are there people out there that hunt and kill others and enjoy it.  Its this part that fascinates me.

Ive done a lot of reading on the subject.  I've gathered a lot of facts and assumptions of why some people kill and why others don't.  But I don't think anybody will ever really know the answer for sure.  In some cases, not even the killers themselves know. But, to be sat, in front of somebody that is considered a serial killer would be incredible to me.  What would I say? What questions would I ask? I don't know, but to get just a small insight into their minds, to understand just a little of what makes them tick, would be absolutely amazing.

So there, I did get a little motivation from my conversation last night.  I was walking to the office this morning, thinking about that conversation and thought, I could blog about this.  Try and explain how I feel about this.

I do hope I haven't freaked you out too much.  I promise I have no murderous tendencies. And although my fascinations on some things may be slightly on the morbid side, as a person, I am anything but morbid :)

Till next time.

Bx

Second Life

There is a lot to be said for Virtual Reality you know.  A lot of you who will read this post, will probably think I'm just a little bit sad.  That's OK, I totally get that.  I know I probably would have thought the same if I had not spent the best part of the last 3 years of my life in a Virtual Reality environment.  I would like to tell you a little bit about that.  About my Second Life and what it meant to me.


Some of you may have already heard of 'Second Life'  Some may have spent some time there.  But for those of you who haven't, there is a Virtual Reality community that I happened on totally by accident one day.  I remember sitting in front of my computer and thinking to myself, I wonder what all this virtual reality is about?  I typed it in Google and Second Life was the top link and the rest, as they say is history.


I don't want to bore you with all the little details. Ill just tell you how it was for me.

There was nothing I enjoyed more, than logging on to Second Life (SL) and seeing my 'avatar' appear on the screen.  Unlike traditional chat rooms, my avatar was a hot sexy female who wore some very sexy clothing and got quite a lot of wolf whistles in her time there.  That's the thing about Second Life you see.  You can be anyone or anything you want to be.  If you want to be a gorgeous girlie, then you can.  If you want to be a kitty cat, then you can.  There is almost no limits.  The vampire scene is huge..and there are so many different communities for you to join that no matter what you are into, you will probably find it there.  As for me though, I was human and female (I like to stick to what i know...) and I found SL my escape from my real life.

No, I didn't mean for it to sound as bad as that.  Its just that, logging onto Second Life was the place I went to escape into another world.  A world where I was gorgeous and, as time went on, popular.  I got involved in the online London community and eventually got involved in my own sim.  Myself, and 5 other close online friends created our own little world, where we had people come and visit us, party in our clubs and rent our shops.  It was the pinnacle of my Second Life experience and I truly don't know where I can ever go from there, other than back to Miss Anonymous.

What makes it so good, for me anyway, is that fact that there are no limits.  Imagine a world where you can own a private island and live in a glass mansion, fly short distance and teleport long distance.  Talk to people from all over the world and dance for 5 straight hours without having to sit down and rest.  Imagine a world that is filled with beautiful people, dragons, cats and neko's.  Imagine having your wardrobe with you wherever you are and being able to change from your bikini into your jeans into your ballgown from one minute to the next without breaking out into a sweat.  Imagine logging on every night and having your screen light up with messages from all your friends from all over the world asking you how your day was, inviting you to a new club, getting a wedding invitation or just someone saying hello and they missed you.  This was my world.  And I kid you not, I loved it.

Then there was the drama!  Oh my, the drama.  Once you get fully embroiled in Second Life and make a few friends you cannot help but run into drama.  And I had my fair share of that.  Ive lost track of the amount of nights I have sat there spending hours typing to people about some particular issue or another.  She said that or he did this.  Did you hear so and so quit that or have you heard that so and so have split up ...again!  Even this, made my Second Life the total enjoying experience it was for me.

For a long time I was a greeter, and that entailed helping new born avatars understand 'the game' and get them acquainted with Second Life.  Ive attended weddings - yes, that happens there too - some of which have lasted and some of which didn't last for more than a week.  Ive known people who have died and have visited their memorial sim and placed my candles.  I have visited sex sims...these are truly the best for a good laugh and I have hosted in nightclubs (and in one case co-run one). I have been to fashion shows  and being in outer space.  I have visited Australia, Paris, New York, St Petersburg, Dublin, Cape Town, London to mention just a few, and in all these, I did so with my avatar walking (or flying) around, taking in the scenery and marveling at the imagination of the creators of these sims.  Yes, it is all just pixels on a screen, but its the best online escape I have found and I have been online for a long time now.


But, regardless of everything Ive said so far, the best part of Second Life, for me, is the people. Like most online chat sites, Second Life too is filled with nutters and liars and idiots.  Ive come across many of those there.  Some you spot instantly, some you learn the hard way.  I have been burned a few times, I wont lie.  But on the flip side, I have met the most amazing people.  I have friends now that I would not have had in any other circumstances.  I have got to know people and come to care for them. There are people who I have come to know intimately, I may never have seen their faces but I know their deepest secrets. I have spent hours laughing so much that my sides hurt.  I have come to care for people in Second Life as if they were sisters and brothers that I never had.  Some, I have met up with in real life and we have had as much fun in real as we do online, though dancing for 5 hours straight has proven to be somewhat more difficult.  Its the people that make it what it is, and I thank Second Life for that.

But, for now, I'm giving it a bit of a rest.  I had started to spend too much time in my Second Life.  So much so that my First Life was suffering. It became far easier to log onto SL at night and immerse myself in my little online world than the deal with my real life issues.  Thankfully, I finally saw that and I've put things into perspective now.  This blog has also helped.

Second Life has got a lot of bad press, and in many cases I can understand it.  It has caused marriages to break up and it has put people together who would otherwise never have known each other.  I can understand why the marriages break up.  Its the perfect world, as I said before, everyone and everything is perfect.  Romances blossom around every corner in Second Life and it is very easy to get carried away.  You need to have a strong mind not to get carried away by all of that.  But bad press aside, I would never say anything bad about it.  I truly loved it and still do.  And ultimately Second Life is what you make of it.  I will miss it while I take a much needed break, but its good to remember that I do have a real life too, and that I can make that as enjoyable and fun as I made my Second Life.  Or atleast I can try to!

This has been my longest post ever.  I have meant to blog about this for a while, and as I said in the beginning, I know there will be those out there reading this who will not understand why I am so passionate about this.  But unless you have spent some time inworld, you wont understand the addiction, the pull of it.  The fun and the joy it can give you.  The highs and the lows.  The intensity. That is only something residents of Second Life (or other similar virtual reality sites) will understand.

Ive probably bored you to death, so I will stop now.  Its been fun typing this and I would love to hear your opinion on this, if you have any.

Until later then, take care and Ill blog again soon

B x

Afterwards

The other day, I briefly mentioned reading amazing books by an author that I had just discovered.  I really like that...I like it when I find a new artist that I've not heard before, or a new author that I fall in love with and have loads and loads of either Cd's to get or books to read.  I was like that about Muse and Snow Patrol to mention the first two names of music groups that come to mind, and I was like that with Shaun Hutson and...many years ago, Stephen King and Dean Koontz.  I feel a little bit like that about James Patterson....he isn't the most brilliant author I've ever read, but for quick, fun reads, he is pretty good.  Anyway, my point is, about 2 weeks ago, I saw a huge banner at Victoria station in Manchester advertising a writer I had not heard of before.  I'll be honest, in this case, I really did judge the book by its cover.  It was fresh and caught my eye and as I stood waiting for the Met to come along, I strained to read the writing that was on the book.  What I saw, looked interesting, but I had never heard of the author before. Her name is Rosamund Lupton.  Luckily, the invention of the Kindle is now behind us and doubly lucky for me, I have one, so, I quickly went and downloaded a sample of her first novel, 'Sister' and got to reading.  The rest, as they say is history.

Rosamund Lupton has written only two books that I could find. Her first one 'Sister' delves into the relationship between two sisters and follows the story of one sister, Beatrice who is desperately trying to find her missing sister Tess.  The story is fast paced, with twist after twist after unbelievable twist. I totally loved it and recommended it to a friend who has since told me she cannot stop reading it either.

Next, I read 'Afterwards', her second novel which also deals with relationships, this time between a mother (Grace) and teenage daughter (Jenny).  The story is about a fire that breaks out in a school where the daughter is trapped inside and the mother, whose viewpoint the story is written, runs inside to save her...and what happens afterwards.  I could sit here and tell you all about it, but that would spoil things.  All I can say, is as much as I loved 'Sister', I loved 'Afterwards' more.  As much as 'Sister' gave me goosebumps on the last page, 'Afterwards' made me want to cry.

I can highly recommend these books, and truly, if you want to treat yourself, do download to your kindle or whatever ebook reader you have, or purchase a copy of the book.  Its absolutely amazing. The only thing that I am sad about, is that there isn't more of them!  I wish she had started writing 10 years ago so that there was another one just waiting for me to read. I am definitely looking forward to the next one.

There...look at me with my book review!  I'm so ganna post this link on Rosamund Lupton's fan page...or attempt to :)

Bx

ps...I never intended to do a book review on my blog, but I was sat here thinking about what I could write and that's what popped into my head :p

Leeds

So, I went off gallivanting around Leeds today.  It was business, I promise, I didn't actually take the day off to go sight seeing.  The day started out pretty badly though..first, train delays due to points failure - this was just trying to get into Manchester - then train cancellations - that was my train to Leeds - I guess it wouldn't have mattered much had my train been so delayed that i missed it.  I was also sat next to a guy that was probably in his late 60's early 70's and although he was lovely, he did insist on talking all the way to Huddersfield.  Which, I wouldn't have minded much, had I not wanted to get back to my book that I cannot get my nose out. (I should tell you about that sometime, but for now, all I will say is - 'Sister' and 'Afterwards' by Rosamund Lupton - read them!) But to top it all though, for some reason, and I couldn't tell you here what I was thinking, but I was also wearing 6 inch heels.  Although they may have looked good strutting around Piccadilly and Leeds station, they hurt like a bitch!  I really did regret wearing them (or not packing a pair of flats in my bag) when I started walking from Piccadilly station back to my office this afternoon when I got back to Manchester.  By the time I left the office to walk to Victoria station, I was ready to take them off and walk barefoot.  But, we are in the city here and we don't want to look silly, so I carried on walking...feeling each bubble/stone/cigarette butt on the sidewalk and cringing with each step.  I have never been so happy to get home and take my shoes off and roll back and forth on the balls of my feet as I was today. Even though, that too hurt like hell.
Right now, I'm sat, crossed legged on my computer chair, feeling the throb and wondering how my partying tomorrow night is going to go with these feet.

Coz yes, I'm out tomorrow night partying with friends and i am so excited!  Two of my online girlfriends are travelling up to Manchester to meet me and although I have met one of them before, I haven't met the other.  I'm a little bit nervous, I wont lie.  I'm a little bit hesitant.  Mainly because I worry that we will run out of things to say, and because I was always the third wheel in that online friendship anyway.  I'm sure it will go swimmingly.  Well, it better had, coz the three of us are going out for High Tea on Saturday too!  Can you just picture me doing that??  No, me neither :)  I am looking forward to it though. 

So, I'm blogging tonight for the sake of blogging. Not because I have anything profound to say, or that I have any particular topic going on in my head.  I am happier though, in myself.  I'm pleased about that.
Just thought I would share

Bx

And the truth shall set you free

For the last two days, that particular saying has been going around and around in my head.
For the last few, (or is that years?) I have been pretty much blind to a lot of things. I have seen my world around me in a way that was not quite right. I have forgotten things and neglected things that are supposed to be important. I have believed things to be one particular way and at the time, try as hard as I could, I could not be swayed from that.
And then, as if out of the blue, the truth set me free. Was it something I read, something I heard, something I dreamt or just something that suddenly hit me between the eyes? It doesn't matter, but the blinkers came off and the truth of it all was spelled out to me and for this I am eternally grateful.

It's not a lot to ask for in life. Truth. Right?

You live with people, love people, care for people. You have friends, family and people that are important to you. These people shape your lives and make you the person that you are. Whether you want them to or not. Some people or things become more important than others, when really they don't deserve to be. Sometimes you loose focus of what really matters.

My head has been in the clouds for so long now. I have been thoroughly lost and adrift in uncertainty. I haven't been depressed as my mother thinks, just confused. But I have learned that honesty is always the best way.  I have learned that you can easily hurt people and can easily be hurt by people that you care about. But most of all, I have learned that in order to really know anything in life, you need to know the truth. Not the painted over pretty picture, not what you think is important, but the ugly, unbiased, dirty truth. Only then, can you really move on. Only then, can you really be set free.

Once again, I've gone and got all philosophical I know. Once again I write about whats in my heart. This is my place to do that though. I could carry on here and blog for hours on this subject, but whats the point? I think I have got my message across.

Thank you for hanging in there - you know who you are.

Bx

The Book of Counted Sorrows

Ive spoken about this before on my previous website, and yet, after all these years, I still love these poems. 

These are all copywrite to 'The Book of Counted Sorrows' and Dean Koontz.

I'll post a few of my favourites here, but for the full list of all them, go here

from Darkfall - 1984

We can embrace love; its not too late.
Why do we sleep, instead with hate?
Belief requires no suspension
to see that Hell is our invention.
We make Hell real; we stoke its fires.
And in its flames our hope expires.
Heaven, too, is merely our creation.
We can grant ourselves our own salvation.
All that's required is imagination.


from Twilight Eyes - 1985
 
Something moves within the night
that is not good and is not right.


from Strangers - 1986

Is there some meaning to this life?
What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound?
These cold questions echo and resound
through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light
that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.

from Cold Fire - 1991


In the real world
as in dreams,
nothing is quite
as it seems.

from Dark Rivers of the Heart - 1994

All of us are travelers lost,
out tickets arranged at cost
unknown but beyond our means.
This odd itinerary of scenes
- enigmatic, strange, unreal -
leaves us unsure how to feel.
No postmortem journey is rife
with more mystery than life.

********

On the road that I taken,
one day, walking, I awaken,
amazed to see where I have come,
where I'm going, where I'm from.

This is not the path I thought.
This is not the place I sought.
This is not the dream I bought,
just a fever of fate I've caught.

I'll change highways in a while,
at the crossroads, one more mile.
My path is lit by my own fire.
I'm going only where I desire.

On the road that I have taken,
one day, walking, I awaken.
One Day, walking, I awaken,
on the road that I have taken.

from Sole Survivor - 1997


The sky is deep, the sky is dark,
The light of stars is so damn stark.
When I look up, I fill with fear.
If all we have is what lies here,
this lonely world, this troubled place,
then cold dead stars and empty space . . .
Well, I see no reason to persevere,
no reason to laugh or shed a tear,
no reason to sleep or ever to wake,
no promises to keep, and none to make.
And so at night I still raise my eyes
to study the clear but mysterious skies --
that arch above us, as cold as stone.
Are you there, God? Are we alone?

If you like these, let me know which are your favourites. 

USA

I have a question though, if i may.  There is someone from the US who looks at this blog.  I'm not sure if its the same person or random people, but i do note usually about 1 visit per day from the states. So, my question, if its the same person who keeps coming back...please make yourself known.  I've asked the one person I thought it may be and it turned out it wasn't him, so leave me a comment saying your name, and then at least my curiosity will be sated :)

thanx

Looking up

Well hello there...its been a few days hasn't it?
To be fair, its been a few emotional days where i have once again been all over the place.  Head in the clouds as they say. More like a few weeks really.

Right now however, I have to say that I am a little excited.  Things are looking up.

Work, a little less stressful, that's coz its the middle of the month and I know it wont stay that way, but I am using the opportunity to do a little catch up on the things i haven't been able to get to.
On the social front things are looking up too.  Next weekend its a catch up with old friends and meeting some new ones and at the end of July I'm off to London to catch up with a very old friend and it promises to be awesomeness!

Most importantly of all though, is that I am continuing to see things clearer.  More and more so everyday.  Getting stronger and starting to take control of my own life and my own destiny.  Too hell with the rest.  Its my life and I'll only have one of them.

So looking forward to seeing you all - Irene, Caroline, Rob and Andrew!

Bx

And then there were three

I should stop doing this.  Should stop commenting about my new followers.  But OH it does make me smile so when I see a new face in the followers box.  So, ill make one more announcement and say thank you to my lovely mother for clicking the follow button.  I was wondering when you would finally click it as you keep referring to it in my emails :)

There is a lot going on right now, none of which I can really talk about just yet.  I did spend the day mostly on my own.  I got up early, drove into Manchester to pick up a parcel.  That was quite nice.  The roads were still mostly quiet and it felt good to just get up and go somewhere on my own.  This afternoon, I watched TV and slept a little (well, fell asleep in front of the TV more like) and then got up and went out again.  I uploaded some pics onto Facebook of the swans that i sat watching.  It was lovely by the lil lake thingie and I wondered why I don't go there more.  The truth is, there is a lot of lovely places to go to, things to see, and sitting at home, letting week after week go by, gets me nowhere.  Its depressing and pointless and I do intend to make more of the summer days and spend less time indoors. 

Will add more later

Just wanted to wave at mommykins and tell her that I love and I miss her a lot too

Bx

Changes

Firstly, let me say, I now have two followers...yes, count that...TWO!  Happy day again.  Thank you Judy, I did smile when I saw your pretty face appear on this page.

Well, its Monday.  The start of another week.  Today, as has been the norm for the last few weeks, was another crazy one.  I feel like I am being pulled into so many directions.  The staff grow, the demands grow, yet I remain, just one.  Interestingly enough, last week I overpaid someone by £14,000.00.  Only found out today when they phoned me to say they couldn't reconcile their accounts and was wondering why I had sent so much money.  I don't know where I came up with the figure that I did, it was a totally random number, but I did smile to myself when I realised what had happened and thought, yep, this is how it all starts falling down.  Its not like I haven't said....I NEED HELP....I've said it a number of times, but for now, other concerns appear to be more important, so lets hope I don't get sick, or, I happen to overpay someone else by £140,000.00 instead of just 14 or fail to submit a report in time.  We shall see how that goes down when that does happen.  They have been warned.

Anyway, that's my rant over with.  What I wanted to talk about is changes.

We all go through stages in ours lives.  Periods where you become focused on this, or that, or times when things make sense in a particular way.  I don't know if I am making much sense here, but, I feel like I am finally finding a change in my mindset.  I have been in a weird place, for quite a long time now.  I am not saying I'm not still in that weird place, but I'm starting to feel different about it.  I don't know if this is wishful thinking, or me trying to convince myself, but the weight is starting to lift.  I believe I am starting to see much more clearly now.

Again, ask me in a week or month from now if I still think this and I may have to rewrite this post, or delete it completely as utter bullshit.  But I do believe its time to change, and to take control of my life and what I want.
I see this as a very positive thing.

And just writing this down, is making me smile.  I so need to smile and stop dwelling.

That's it for me today.  Happy week all.

B x


P.S. Quentin or Jonathan, if you are reading this....I NEED HELP!

Happy Day

OMG, I've got a follower!  Imagine my excitement in coming onto this page to see, yes ...I have ONE follower!  I'd jump up and down and do a happy dance if I wasn't so tired today.

Thank you Alycia, you rock....of course you do.

The sun is shining in Manchester today.  Not only is it shining, but its actually nice and hot too.  I say this, because unlike the sun in Africa, just because you sometimes see the yellow orb in the sky (occasionally) it doesn't necessarily give off any heat.  Today, however, it is..and its glorious!  A friend made a comment to me the other day saying that the weather shouldn't (and doesn't apparently) affect people's moods.  This is me sticking my tongue out to him saying, yes, it does...I may be tired as hell (have been for a few days now and not sure why) but I'm feeling somewhat happy too.  The summer feeling does that to me.

Anyway, lets not talk about the weather today.  Just know that I am grateful for the good days when they do show up, and here is hoping for many more.  That, and some more followers to make me feel like I am important or something.

Comments, of course are very welcome too :P

x

Tall mountains

Have you ever wanted to walk out the door, walk into the rain, or wind, or night...and just keep walking till you reached the top of a hill or mountain and look down at everything that lays before you, and simply scream?
Scream because you know that nobody can hear you?  Scream until you're hoarse and no sound can come out of your mouth any longer.  Scream and cry and shout and yell and simply release it all?

Have you ever?

I've not forgotten about this blog.  I come here nearly everyday and consider writing something, but I fear that whatever I write will just prompt a reaction, and frankly, I don't want to explain myself to anyone.  It is what it is, and I just need to go find my mountain (or hill as is the case here in northern England) and just shout.  After that, all will be good in the world.

For me, the best way to get it out there is to write it down.  Hence the reason for this blog in the first place.  Those of you that know me a long time, will remember that I used to blog before, on my previous websites that I did, though those couldn't really be called blogs by today's 'blog' standards.  But they are there, my thought, fears, feelings at the time.  And I expressed myself best when I wrote it down in poetry, or simply diary entries.  That is what this blog is supposed to be for me.  So, for me not to write it down, because I am afraid how certain people will react is stupid, and I guess, tonight I'm writing it down. 

Facebook

Facebook has been around for what? Two, Three, Five years?  I don't know.  Nor can I remember much now what it was like before Facebook.  It's like..email has been around for what 10-15 years?  And can anyone remember what we did before email?  Same goes for the Internet.  What did we do before the www?

Anyway, I don't know what your thoughts are about Facebook?  Mine tend to change from one month to the next.  At the moment, I'm really rather tired of it.  Do not see the appeal.  Do not see why everyone needs to be in everyone's business, nor do I really know why you think I'm interested in what you ate 5 minutes ago, or that you have a doctors appointment. 

What I do like is the photo's and the ability to catch up with people I haven't spoken to in ages.  But then, that's what email is there for too. 

Then there is twitter.  I've got a twitter account. Not that I use it much.  If ever.  That to me is more pointless than Facebook.  I'm sorry but I really don't get it. 

Ask me again, in a month or so from now how i feel about Facebook.  Chances are I may think its great again, or I'm loving some game or something I've discovered on there.  Or I'm bored with the usual 'stuff' I do online and have reverted back to FB. 

People watch you like a hawk.  If i don't post something on my profile page for a few days I get people texting or emailing me asking me if everything is ok.  I promise you, if I've not posted on Facebook for a while. it doesn't mean something is wrong. I just don't have anything worthwhile to say.  If something is wrong with me, wrong enough to be concerned about, you will know.

What are your thoughts about it?  Tell me. 

Bx

Following

So the cool thing about blogging...I don't know if its this blog in particular, or all blogs, is that you can track hits and the whereabouts of those hits to your page.  So far, I've had an incredible 15 page views (not mine coz I've had mine discounted) and all the hits are from South Africa and New Zealand...so, a wild guess here would be that Mommykins and either brother or sis-in-law  in NZ have had a peek. 
My point is, if you've come here and if you've been interested, please do 'follow' the blog.  Only coz I think that would be really cool and I would feel ever so popular! And coz I would know who you are too :)

I debated for a few days about whether I was going to advertise this page or not.  Then asked myself what was the point in having a blog and not sharing it with anyone.  I'm not exactly shouting it from the rooftops...nor will I...at least not for now, but if you have happened across this page, it's because you were looking at my info page on Facebook.  That thought in itself makes me feel somewhat happy coz someone out there was bothered enough to look. 

Oh these little things we need to make us feel better about ourselves...

Bx

Fool

So its April 1st.  I remember back (way back) when this date used to cause me slight giddiness when thinking of the tricks I could play on my friends.  I also remember once how a school mate of mine, offered me a sandwich during lunch break which had plastic as the filling.  I wonder if she still remembers that?

Anyway, April 1st 2011 and I spent the day at home.  Friday day off, always a good thing, but the day was another grey one - with intermittent showers - and I didn't do anything special with it.  My daughter is the one in a giddy mood today. Probably because she and her boyfriend are celebrating their 1st anniversary.  Scary that, how times flies.

I have no words of profoundness tonight.  I'll be heading off soon to my usual evening hang out (those that know me well will know what that is) but just wanted to write something as it has been a few days.  Perhaps I shouldn't be putting pressure on myself to write something all the time (I do think about it a lot since I set this up) but rather just write when I have something important to say.  Yes, perhaps I will do that.

Anyway, Happy April Fools day :)

Bx

Spring

So today is Monday. Weekend over and the start of another week at that wonderful place called work.  Yeah, I'm obviously taking the piss.....

For the first time this year, I took off my coat on my way home.  These are good times.  There is nothing more amazing (well there probably is...but you get my meaning) than that feeling you get when you realise the summer is on its way and the blossoms start appearing.  When Spring has sprung.  Being a safa, I'm usually one of the last people at work that will comment on the good weather, usually, I'm the one pulling my face and telling them they are all mad when they say its spring.  But, today, I had to agree.  However, as this is Manchester, the sun will probably disappear tomorrow and the usual grey and wet, that is Manchester as we know and sometimes love it, will return.  I'll let you know how that goes.

So anyway, there is a lot I want to say here....though, I'm not so sure how or where to start.  Let me just say that my head is in a completely wrong place at the moment.  Where that place is, I do not know, but its a dark and morbid place and I would very much like for it to come back up for air.  How do you pull your head out of the mire?

I've no idea.  I'm hoping doing this blog will help.

Oh...also the fact that I've been reading a book by a guy in the London Ambulance Service that used to blog everything he did and clearly got a bit of a fan club.  Yes, I'm reading the book, not the blog...so I'm guessing he must have got quite a bit of attention. 

Bx

And so it starts

Ive written, on and off for quiet a few years, but not so much in the last few, and to be honest, I do miss it.  For me, there has never been anything more therapeutic than writing my feelings, my ideas, my thoughts down and reading them back to myself.  Nothing has ever been able to put things into perspective more quickly for me than that, so I do wonder sometimes, why I haven't written in so long, nor why I didn't miss it more than I did?

I've done the odd page or two on the website.  A few years ago i wrote my own website which was also all about me, but was focused around a particular time in my life.  I kept that page up for 2 years and ended it when I moved to the UK.  I revisited it in 2008 and started another, but sadly, didn't stick to it.  I don't know if i will stick to this either, but I guess, time will tell.

So, this is where it all starts again.  I'll try to add to it regularly, and hopefully get totally into it and hopefully, you, the reader, will come back and enjoy and comment.

We'll see

Bx

p.s....here are the links to the websites I was referring to.  Read at your own risk.
My first one: A Journey
my second one: A Journal