Leeds

So, I went off gallivanting around Leeds today.  It was business, I promise, I didn't actually take the day off to go sight seeing.  The day started out pretty badly though..first, train delays due to points failure - this was just trying to get into Manchester - then train cancellations - that was my train to Leeds - I guess it wouldn't have mattered much had my train been so delayed that i missed it.  I was also sat next to a guy that was probably in his late 60's early 70's and although he was lovely, he did insist on talking all the way to Huddersfield.  Which, I wouldn't have minded much, had I not wanted to get back to my book that I cannot get my nose out. (I should tell you about that sometime, but for now, all I will say is - 'Sister' and 'Afterwards' by Rosamund Lupton - read them!) But to top it all though, for some reason, and I couldn't tell you here what I was thinking, but I was also wearing 6 inch heels.  Although they may have looked good strutting around Piccadilly and Leeds station, they hurt like a bitch!  I really did regret wearing them (or not packing a pair of flats in my bag) when I started walking from Piccadilly station back to my office this afternoon when I got back to Manchester.  By the time I left the office to walk to Victoria station, I was ready to take them off and walk barefoot.  But, we are in the city here and we don't want to look silly, so I carried on walking...feeling each bubble/stone/cigarette butt on the sidewalk and cringing with each step.  I have never been so happy to get home and take my shoes off and roll back and forth on the balls of my feet as I was today. Even though, that too hurt like hell.
Right now, I'm sat, crossed legged on my computer chair, feeling the throb and wondering how my partying tomorrow night is going to go with these feet.

Coz yes, I'm out tomorrow night partying with friends and i am so excited!  Two of my online girlfriends are travelling up to Manchester to meet me and although I have met one of them before, I haven't met the other.  I'm a little bit nervous, I wont lie.  I'm a little bit hesitant.  Mainly because I worry that we will run out of things to say, and because I was always the third wheel in that online friendship anyway.  I'm sure it will go swimmingly.  Well, it better had, coz the three of us are going out for High Tea on Saturday too!  Can you just picture me doing that??  No, me neither :)  I am looking forward to it though. 

So, I'm blogging tonight for the sake of blogging. Not because I have anything profound to say, or that I have any particular topic going on in my head.  I am happier though, in myself.  I'm pleased about that.
Just thought I would share

Bx

And the truth shall set you free

For the last two days, that particular saying has been going around and around in my head.
For the last few, (or is that years?) I have been pretty much blind to a lot of things. I have seen my world around me in a way that was not quite right. I have forgotten things and neglected things that are supposed to be important. I have believed things to be one particular way and at the time, try as hard as I could, I could not be swayed from that.
And then, as if out of the blue, the truth set me free. Was it something I read, something I heard, something I dreamt or just something that suddenly hit me between the eyes? It doesn't matter, but the blinkers came off and the truth of it all was spelled out to me and for this I am eternally grateful.

It's not a lot to ask for in life. Truth. Right?

You live with people, love people, care for people. You have friends, family and people that are important to you. These people shape your lives and make you the person that you are. Whether you want them to or not. Some people or things become more important than others, when really they don't deserve to be. Sometimes you loose focus of what really matters.

My head has been in the clouds for so long now. I have been thoroughly lost and adrift in uncertainty. I haven't been depressed as my mother thinks, just confused. But I have learned that honesty is always the best way.  I have learned that you can easily hurt people and can easily be hurt by people that you care about. But most of all, I have learned that in order to really know anything in life, you need to know the truth. Not the painted over pretty picture, not what you think is important, but the ugly, unbiased, dirty truth. Only then, can you really move on. Only then, can you really be set free.

Once again, I've gone and got all philosophical I know. Once again I write about whats in my heart. This is my place to do that though. I could carry on here and blog for hours on this subject, but whats the point? I think I have got my message across.

Thank you for hanging in there - you know who you are.

Bx

The Book of Counted Sorrows

Ive spoken about this before on my previous website, and yet, after all these years, I still love these poems. 

These are all copywrite to 'The Book of Counted Sorrows' and Dean Koontz.

I'll post a few of my favourites here, but for the full list of all them, go here

from Darkfall - 1984

We can embrace love; its not too late.
Why do we sleep, instead with hate?
Belief requires no suspension
to see that Hell is our invention.
We make Hell real; we stoke its fires.
And in its flames our hope expires.
Heaven, too, is merely our creation.
We can grant ourselves our own salvation.
All that's required is imagination.


from Twilight Eyes - 1985
 
Something moves within the night
that is not good and is not right.


from Strangers - 1986

Is there some meaning to this life?
What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound?
These cold questions echo and resound
through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light
that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.

from Cold Fire - 1991


In the real world
as in dreams,
nothing is quite
as it seems.

from Dark Rivers of the Heart - 1994

All of us are travelers lost,
out tickets arranged at cost
unknown but beyond our means.
This odd itinerary of scenes
- enigmatic, strange, unreal -
leaves us unsure how to feel.
No postmortem journey is rife
with more mystery than life.

********

On the road that I taken,
one day, walking, I awaken,
amazed to see where I have come,
where I'm going, where I'm from.

This is not the path I thought.
This is not the place I sought.
This is not the dream I bought,
just a fever of fate I've caught.

I'll change highways in a while,
at the crossroads, one more mile.
My path is lit by my own fire.
I'm going only where I desire.

On the road that I have taken,
one day, walking, I awaken.
One Day, walking, I awaken,
on the road that I have taken.

from Sole Survivor - 1997


The sky is deep, the sky is dark,
The light of stars is so damn stark.
When I look up, I fill with fear.
If all we have is what lies here,
this lonely world, this troubled place,
then cold dead stars and empty space . . .
Well, I see no reason to persevere,
no reason to laugh or shed a tear,
no reason to sleep or ever to wake,
no promises to keep, and none to make.
And so at night I still raise my eyes
to study the clear but mysterious skies --
that arch above us, as cold as stone.
Are you there, God? Are we alone?

If you like these, let me know which are your favourites. 

USA

I have a question though, if i may.  There is someone from the US who looks at this blog.  I'm not sure if its the same person or random people, but i do note usually about 1 visit per day from the states. So, my question, if its the same person who keeps coming back...please make yourself known.  I've asked the one person I thought it may be and it turned out it wasn't him, so leave me a comment saying your name, and then at least my curiosity will be sated :)

thanx

Looking up

Well hello there...its been a few days hasn't it?
To be fair, its been a few emotional days where i have once again been all over the place.  Head in the clouds as they say. More like a few weeks really.

Right now however, I have to say that I am a little excited.  Things are looking up.

Work, a little less stressful, that's coz its the middle of the month and I know it wont stay that way, but I am using the opportunity to do a little catch up on the things i haven't been able to get to.
On the social front things are looking up too.  Next weekend its a catch up with old friends and meeting some new ones and at the end of July I'm off to London to catch up with a very old friend and it promises to be awesomeness!

Most importantly of all though, is that I am continuing to see things clearer.  More and more so everyday.  Getting stronger and starting to take control of my own life and my own destiny.  Too hell with the rest.  Its my life and I'll only have one of them.

So looking forward to seeing you all - Irene, Caroline, Rob and Andrew!

Bx

And then there were three

I should stop doing this.  Should stop commenting about my new followers.  But OH it does make me smile so when I see a new face in the followers box.  So, ill make one more announcement and say thank you to my lovely mother for clicking the follow button.  I was wondering when you would finally click it as you keep referring to it in my emails :)

There is a lot going on right now, none of which I can really talk about just yet.  I did spend the day mostly on my own.  I got up early, drove into Manchester to pick up a parcel.  That was quite nice.  The roads were still mostly quiet and it felt good to just get up and go somewhere on my own.  This afternoon, I watched TV and slept a little (well, fell asleep in front of the TV more like) and then got up and went out again.  I uploaded some pics onto Facebook of the swans that i sat watching.  It was lovely by the lil lake thingie and I wondered why I don't go there more.  The truth is, there is a lot of lovely places to go to, things to see, and sitting at home, letting week after week go by, gets me nowhere.  Its depressing and pointless and I do intend to make more of the summer days and spend less time indoors. 

Will add more later

Just wanted to wave at mommykins and tell her that I love and I miss her a lot too

Bx

Changes

Firstly, let me say, I now have two followers...yes, count that...TWO!  Happy day again.  Thank you Judy, I did smile when I saw your pretty face appear on this page.

Well, its Monday.  The start of another week.  Today, as has been the norm for the last few weeks, was another crazy one.  I feel like I am being pulled into so many directions.  The staff grow, the demands grow, yet I remain, just one.  Interestingly enough, last week I overpaid someone by £14,000.00.  Only found out today when they phoned me to say they couldn't reconcile their accounts and was wondering why I had sent so much money.  I don't know where I came up with the figure that I did, it was a totally random number, but I did smile to myself when I realised what had happened and thought, yep, this is how it all starts falling down.  Its not like I haven't said....I NEED HELP....I've said it a number of times, but for now, other concerns appear to be more important, so lets hope I don't get sick, or, I happen to overpay someone else by £140,000.00 instead of just 14 or fail to submit a report in time.  We shall see how that goes down when that does happen.  They have been warned.

Anyway, that's my rant over with.  What I wanted to talk about is changes.

We all go through stages in ours lives.  Periods where you become focused on this, or that, or times when things make sense in a particular way.  I don't know if I am making much sense here, but, I feel like I am finally finding a change in my mindset.  I have been in a weird place, for quite a long time now.  I am not saying I'm not still in that weird place, but I'm starting to feel different about it.  I don't know if this is wishful thinking, or me trying to convince myself, but the weight is starting to lift.  I believe I am starting to see much more clearly now.

Again, ask me in a week or month from now if I still think this and I may have to rewrite this post, or delete it completely as utter bullshit.  But I do believe its time to change, and to take control of my life and what I want.
I see this as a very positive thing.

And just writing this down, is making me smile.  I so need to smile and stop dwelling.

That's it for me today.  Happy week all.

B x


P.S. Quentin or Jonathan, if you are reading this....I NEED HELP!

Happy Day

OMG, I've got a follower!  Imagine my excitement in coming onto this page to see, yes ...I have ONE follower!  I'd jump up and down and do a happy dance if I wasn't so tired today.

Thank you Alycia, you rock....of course you do.

The sun is shining in Manchester today.  Not only is it shining, but its actually nice and hot too.  I say this, because unlike the sun in Africa, just because you sometimes see the yellow orb in the sky (occasionally) it doesn't necessarily give off any heat.  Today, however, it is..and its glorious!  A friend made a comment to me the other day saying that the weather shouldn't (and doesn't apparently) affect people's moods.  This is me sticking my tongue out to him saying, yes, it does...I may be tired as hell (have been for a few days now and not sure why) but I'm feeling somewhat happy too.  The summer feeling does that to me.

Anyway, lets not talk about the weather today.  Just know that I am grateful for the good days when they do show up, and here is hoping for many more.  That, and some more followers to make me feel like I am important or something.

Comments, of course are very welcome too :P

x