Music

There is probably nothing in the world that has an effect on me more than music does.  Just one song can completely alter my mood.  I can go from happy to sad in an instant. 

I grew up on music.  I remember as a young child my parents holding house parties and I remember knowing the words to some 1960’s songs which had been popular before my time but had been hits in my parent’s teenage years.  I remember quite clearly listening to ‘The best of the 1950’s/1960’s’, to ‘Abba’ and to ‘Neil Diamond’ that my mother used to play sometimes when she was cleaning the house, or on quiet Sunday afternoons.  I remember these with very fond memories.

I grew up in the eighties and I will forever believe that the music from the 80’s was the best era, EVER!  My interest in music changed from what my parents exposed me to, to what I liked and I was one of those people who listened to the radio on a Saturday, recording all the hits to my tape cassette and listened to it all week through to the next Saturday.  As a young adult I went clubbing and would dance, mesmerised to the music on the dance floor, allowing the deep base and thud thud thud to go through my body, surrendering it to the beat while I swayed back and forth, or kissed the boyfriend I was with. 

In my darker moments, I will seek music to suit, listening to sad love songs, or songs of woe that only helps to plunge me further into an abyss, which, when I am depressed and/or down, is where I would rather be.  Sometimes, though, if I am happy and upbeat and a song of sadness comes onto my iPod, my mood will immediately plunge until I am reminiscing about the times that the song reminds me of.

Likewise if a song comes on which is upbeat and fast, a spring in my step will appear, a smile on my face and I will glide around happily, a silly grin plastered to my face.

So why does music have such an effect on me?  Is it like this for everyone? I could live without almost everything in this world, but without music I would be doomed. I truly would be a miserable person.  As I type this, I am listening to music and I am smiling.  I tend to sing along, sometimes loudly, but I am aware that my singing voice is not quite up there for any type of recording contract but that’s ok with me, I love it and I will sing regardless.

They say the sense of smell is directly connected to your memory bank in your brain and that it is so potent that just the smallest whiff of something can immediately transport you back to the memory you have of it.  That is very true, I have experienced this many times, but music does this for me too.  So many songs send me back to a time that song played and the memory will play perfectly clear in my mind, my feelings, my thoughts, everything crystal clear.

I have many favourite songs, and the list constantly changes.  At the moment, I am swooning over Christina Perri’s ‘A thousand Years’, Emeli Sandé’s ‘Beneath You’re Beautiful’ and Rihanna’s ‘Stay’, but they are merely the fave’s of the moment.  REM’s ‘Everybody hurts’; Adele’s ‘Don’t you remember’; Aerosmith’s ‘I don’t want to miss a thing’ and Snow Patrol’s ‘Run’ are but a few of the songs I will never be able to get enough of and there are far too many more to list without boring you silly.

Music is the ultimate soothing remedy for my soul.  It’s the ultimate downer and the most potent upper I could possibly take.  The high’s I sometimes experience – others would call it giddiness – when I have my earphones plugged in, drowning out all the sound of the world around me and causing me to dance – sometimes unselfconsciously – is what makes me love music so much and which is why, if music suddenly ceased to exist, I would want to also.

Bx

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me screaming at the top of my voice

While my lips remain sealed?

Can you see me?

Can you see my eyes pleading with yours

Begging to be heard

I am reaching

Reaching out my trembling hand

Willing you to take it

I am pleading

Silently shrieking, ripping at my skin

For your attention

Can’t you see me?

Wilting like a dying flower in the sun

Desperate for your touch

I am losing

I am fading

I am hopeless

Can you hear me?

~~Bernadette~~

29-01-13

Like starting again

I haven't blogged for ages, and this is mostly due to the dreaded 'couldn't be arsed' feeling that came over me around July/August last year. At the time, I was a few thousand words into my first serious attempt of a novel, a story I was excited about at the time but then inexplicably lost interest. I was also tweeting furiously and blogging often. A lethargy came over me which I happily embraced and the second half of last year was spent mostly Facebook page refreshing, reading, gaming and Netflix obsessing. I am not berating myself for this, it happens, but I am a little sad that it probably appeared to my new found twitter friends that I had lost interest in them too. I admit, I definitely could have made more of an effort to stay in touch, but the occasional 'Hiya, how you doing' on Facebook or email was about the length of the effort I made. I am sorry about that. Truly, but rest assured, I did not loose interest. I thought of all of you often . I kept telling myself that I needed to get that email off to them, find out what was going on in their lives. I just...did'nt. It was far too easy to convince myself that after a hard day's work, the only thing I was up for was chilling out, doing next to nothing. And so, the months flew by.

Fortunately, it seems to me my mojo is back. I am not about to throw myself back into twitter, nor am I promising to blog 24/7 either, rather, I have started writing again and this is a step in the right direction for me. It feels great! Over the course of those 7 months I did type up a few short stories, nothing major and certainly nothing I wanted to show off to anyone on here, but the other night I was reading one of them and picked up from where I had left off, and I haven't been able to stop typing since. I don't want to scream from the rooftops that I am busy writing my first novel, I will probably jinx myself if I do. Rather, I am taking it day by day, sitting down each evening to write a few thousand words, and its going wonderfully. I am surprised by my enthusiasm for this. Surprised to find myself enjoying my characters and thinking of them during the day and where I am going to take them. I look forward at night to coming home, so that I can get comfortable in front of my computer and continue where I left off the night before. In this week I can happily say I have spent a total of ONE evening sat in front of the television. The rest of the time I have been here.

Where will this go? I do not know. Will this get finished? I do not know. I do tend to become engrossed in something pretty quick and then, just as quickly, loose interest, that's just the nature of me, so I am not counting my chickens, but I do hope - really hope - that this goes all the way. I intend to publish, at the very least, I will self publish, but it's probably not even worth thinking that now until I have typed the words 'The End' at the bottom of my manuscript. Fingers crossed :)

As for my friends, I have missed you. I promise to make more of an effort this year.

To end this, I wanted to add a music video of my favourite song at the moment. It makes me all gooey and fuzzy inside :) I promise, its got nothing to do with Twilight, I just simply love the words and the sound of her voice. Enjoy.

Bx

Atomic Summer by Elaine D. Walsh - A review

Atomic Summer by Elaine D. Walsh

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


 I had been recommended this book by the author and checked out the ratings and some of the reviews before I committed to reading and then reviewing this book. I started reading it pretty soon after I downloaded it and was initially a little unsure as to how I felt about it. For me, the plot moved quite slow at first, and I am that type of reader who likes to be engrossed from the start and particularly love books that has me frantically turning the pages. Normally I would put a book aside that doesn't instantly grab me and not bother to finish it but I did not want to do that with 'Atomic Summer' because for one thing,  the reviews raved about it and I wanted to give it a fair chance but more importantly, even though it was moving slowly, as I kept reading the characters began to come alive for me. Suddenly I found myself truly caring about Faith, Octavia and Bernadette. Not to mention Allan and Wesley. As I read I fell in love with Wesley and then there was Bernadette and the awful things she would say to cringe at but I also felt my heart break just a little for Octavia.
Towards the second half of the book I was indeed furiously turning pages and have just spent the last two hours not putting the book down until I had finished it and I am so glad that I persevered.
The author has an incredible talent of bringing her characters to life. She has created wonderful individuals that will mesmerise you and woven them into a truly memorable, heartwarming yet bittersweet story that will leave you thinking about them for days if not weeks after.  Throughout the story, the author kept me guessing and it was this need to find out the answers to many of my questions that kept me reading, and then, wrapping it all up beautifully in the end, she answered all of them and confirmed some I had already guessed.
For a heartwarming, poignant read, I would happily recommend this book.  You will find yourself transported back to the 1950's, live their hopes and dreams as if you were there, and return to your present day with fond memories, as if you really lived it.



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Flowertown - by S.G. Redling - a review

Flowertown by S.G. Redling

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I did not expect to enjoy this book as much as I did.  I cannot remember now if it was recommended to me, or if I just bought it because I liked the sound of the synopsis, but either way it took me a while before I finally picked it up and read it. 
I can see how this may be turned into a movie, its one of those disaster type stories that I can see Hollywood picking up and what's more, the book ends with a door clearly left open for a sequel.

Flowertown is the name of the town where many residents have been quarantined for years after some sort of chemical spill that made them very ill and highly contagious to anyone who came close to them.  The author tells the story from Ellie's point of view, who by some sad twist of fate found herself in the town, even though she didn’t live there, at the moment when the spill happened and left her stranded there ever since.  She is a loose cannon, smokes a little bit too much pot and really isnt taken very seriously.  But as is always the case, there is much more to Ellie than meets the eye and the author takes you on an exciting, action packed journey that kept me reading until late into the night.

If this book was recommended to me, then thank you very much whoever did.  I, in turn, would highly recommend this, especially if you are fan of the apocalyptic genre.

A well deserved 5 stars in my opinion




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Betrayed - by R.P.McCabe

Betrayed by R.P. McCabe
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I'll be honest, I did not expect to enjoy this book. From what I read in the synopsis, I had pretty much made up my mind that reading this would be one of my harder reads as I wasn't instantly pulled in by the promised story line and I usually don't make the effort with books that don't instantly grab me. In this case however, I had promised the author that I would read it and when I make that kind of promise, I will stick to it. So, it is with massive surprise on my part that this book turned out to be so much more than I thought and, in my opinion, totally deserving of the five stars I've given it.

There is no doubt in my mind that R.P McCabe treated the writing of this novel as a labour of love. The depth that he has gone to, to describe the many scenes and emotions is immense. The story line unfolds slowly - which if I am honest, in the beginning had me wanting it to speed up - but I am glad I stuck with it because I was left with a concise picture in my head. The characters and their surroundings perfectly vivid in my imagination.
Wally Stroud, the protagonist, is like your father, your uncle, your husband. There is no amazing attributes that sets him apart and it was the creation of this totally human character that had me reaching out to him and wishing everything would work out, had my heart breaking for the ordeal that he and his wife were going through.

Betrayed is unlike many books that I have read in that its not the good guy versus the monsters, but the good guy turns into a monster in order to fight back, yet you keep on loving him, mostly because the author has written such a tender hearted story that no matter what the underdog does, you still want him to do it - regardless of how dark and sinister those actions may be.

The thought process that R.P McCabe must have gone through in order for the protagonist to pull off what he did was certainly impressive and he pulled no punches when it really mattered, which meant that I didn't want to stop reading, even when mine was the next stop on my daily bus commute.

I will not go on too much more about what happens as I would not want to include any spoilers here but Betrayed was one of those books that I thoroughly enjoyed, even more so because I didn't think I would. It is very well written, if lengthy in some parts but it is also one of those books that when you read the last word, you are left feeling satisfied, and in some small way, even vindicated.

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It's all a scam

Ok, I know, its been a while.  I'll be honest, I just haven't been in the mood.  I must also be honest and say that I hate it when I get into that funk.  You know the one?  The one where you just couldn't be arsed with anything?  Well, ever since my holiday I came back with no inclination to write anything at all.  In fact, its been a pain in the arse to even respond to text messages - yeah, as bad as that - and I am constantly aware of this but again the 'oh I couldn't be arsed' feeling has been just too overwhelming.  Not cool I know, but there you have it.

But I have to tell you, its not all my fault.  There has been other things going on too, and I wanted to tell you about it.

For some of you who know me, you know that I have been trying to obtain my UK citizenship?  Well, this has turned out to be one of those horrible drama's where you wonder how this could happen to you.  Towards the end of last year I did some internet surfing to find someone who would assist me in this process.  I am not a newbie to the whole red tape process of trying to obtain legal documentation and in my infinite wisdom thought I would pay for the services of an institution that does this for a living.  So after much surfing I found a website called UK Visa and Immigration (please..click on that link!) and had a quick internet chat with a so-called advisor who promptly called me back (oh the service was so fast at first!) and after discussing my needs and my financial situation he quoted me the princely sum of £1250.00 for citizenship x 3.  What they promised to do is to guide me through the whole process, process my application on my behalf and to ensure that I had all the documentation that the Home Office would need and thereby ensure a pain-free process.  Of course this fee they were charging did not include the Home Office fee (which was another rather hefty amount for three of us) but I was willing to pay the price if it meant I didn't have to do everything my 'clueless' self and practically being guaranteed that it would be a smooth easy process.

I received a 'client care' letter, which included spelling errors with regards to our names and I pointed this out to them and this was amended.  They insisted I sign it and hand over the money promptly so they could begin the work on my behalf.  Of course, this is exactly what I did.

A few days later I received an email asking me to fill this and that form out and to send original passports/birth certificates/marriage certificate and other appropriate documents (most of these also originals) to them.  It took me a while to get this all together, mostly because I had to wait for my ex-husband to send me crucial permission for the children to take on UK Citizenship (which was a nightmare in itself) but a few months later, I was ready to send most of the documents to them and I called them to get a bit more advice.

This is where the problems started and right here, my little red flag should have gone up.  Well, if I am honest, it did...a little, but I didn't really want to deal or admit to myself that something wasn't quite right, so I ignored any doubts that were starting to whisper in my brain.  I would call and call and the phone would just ring.  Every now and then I would get lucky and someone would answer but my 'Case Worker' was always busy and would have to return my call.  When she finally did, she advised me to use an email address, stating that that was the best way to get hold of her.  I started to use that and would have to email a few times before I finally got a reply.  Anyway, regardless, I sent my original documents off to Birmingham where they were based and had to follow that up with a few emails and calls just to confirm that they had received them.
One time that I phoned and it was answered by an advisor who again claimed that my 'Case Worker' was busy, told me that my case had been closed when I enquired if they could check that my documents had got there.  Naturally I freaked out and frantically emailed about this unfortunate development to get a reply stating that it was an internal error and not to worry, that they were still working on my case and that the documents had arrived. They also informed me that they had moved offices and to send any outstanding documents to the new address.  (I was still waiting for that ever important letter from my ex that I needed to send to them).

When I received that I promptly posted to the new address and that, is where it all went dead.

Have you ever phoned a company where the voicemail that greets you sends you into a loop?  Where, no matter what button you press you cannot speak to a living soul?  I checked the website and for some reason all the telephone numbers they used to have listed on it had disappeared.  The 'click here to talk to a live advisor' button had also disappeared to be replaced with 'click here to start your UK Visa Assessment' button.  Lucky for me, during my efforts over to previous weeks to get hold of them, I had written every number down, and I rang each one.  Not so lucky though, each number either rang dead or I got that same pointless voicemail.
'Press 2 if you wish to talk to someone in accounts or if you are calling to enquire as the status of your visa application, please dial XXX XXXXXX 'which as far as I could make out was the UK Border Agency office.  Pointless really when you don't even know if your application has been passed onto them yet, nor what your reference number is.  Pressing option 2 just takes you back to that same irritating voicemail.

By now, I was somewhat pissed off.  I wrote them one email after another, all of them ending with 'get back to me urgently'.  But there was nothing.

Even at this point though, I was in denial.  I did not want to admit that something was wrong.  I was making up all kinds of excuses in my head as to what could be the reason for this.  To admit that I had been scammed was just too much for me to do yet.  After a few days of constantly calling them and checking for an email response from them I finally got ugly.  I sent them one final email where I informed them that unless they contacted me urgently with the status on my application or fully refunded my money and returned my documents, I would be seeking legal advise and made other threats.  I copied my husband into this email and as he was on leave at the time and didn't have anything better to do, he went on the case.
Oh my god, this is when it all came out.

My husband uncovered so much information and pointed me to this site. (Yes, I should have spoken to him earlier I know) UK Immigration Barristers (click on it!) and I took one look at it and I knew.  The site was so similar to the old one I knew that the same template had been used.  He found out information regarding the so called director(s) of the company and found information that linked the two together.  Also, the names of all the previous companies they had traded under and had since dissolved to start over again and con more people out of their money.  The nightmare reviews he found (all so different from the positive ones they had on their website).  It turns out this was happening not just to me but to hundreds of people.  He found a page on facebook (since removed due to pressure from them to facebook) dedicated to showing these people for the scammers that they were.  And suddenly I was in touch with people who were in the same boat as me.

I was devastated.  I wanted to crawl under my desk and just lie there.  I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream.  I was lost and I didn't know what to do.  These people had my life's documents plus £1250.00 and they had done a runner with it.

We found their page on facebook 'UK Visa and Immigration' (since disappeared from facebook) and we started posting on it.  We weren't saying nice things and our comments were being promptly removed, as were other non-complimentary posts by other people.  We made screen copies of every one to prove that it had been there.  Once I had enough information I went to the Barristers site and clicked on the 'click here to talk to a live advisor' button (which has also now disappeared I've just noted) and Mike came online wondering how he could assist me.  I pasted a copy of my threatening email into the box and waited.  Mike took a while to read it and then profusely denied that they had anything to do with UK Visa and Immigration. I informed him that I had more than enough proof that they were one and the same and that I was now going to the police.  Gave him a few lil titbits so he knew that I did have info and then I signed off.

About an hour later my mobile rang.  It was Ash Shadat from UK Visa and Immigration on the line, who was acting as if they were still trading and he is just ringing me to tell me that he would be sending my forms back as I my daughter now needed to do the 'Life in the UK' test as she had since turned 18.  Well, you can imagine how that conversation went.  I told him I wasn't interested in his stories, that I knew the truth and I wanted my money and my documents back or I would be going to the police.  He was very sorry about this and would return my documents to me the next day and refund my money to me in full by the end of the next week. By then though, it was too late. I had already gone to the police and reported him, along with all his other friends names and business addresses.

I did get my documents back two days later and I will be honest, the relief of holding them in my hands again made me want to forget everything that had happened.  I have as yet still not got my money back and its now two months later.  I doubt I ever will, but I have hope because its not just me.  I have met a number of people in the same position as me and we are all fighting.  Its tiring, so tiring and there is a part of me that just wants it all to go away, but then I read or hear about another person that has been scammed and it just riles me up again.

Two blogs like mine you should check out to get a different version.  One from a guy who actually worked there: UK Immigration Barristers Scam and Don't be taken by these scammers who was scammed like me but fought hard and got her money and documents back but is fighting still so others can know.
For reviews: UK visa and immigration and here.

I could go on and on, but I won't because there is just too much info out there I would be here all night.  I wish so much I had done my homework before I had  handed over my money but there you go.  Its done.  Now just to fight to get it back.  Mostly however, I hope someone that is thinking of using their services will happen across this page and be warned and will stay away.  If I can stop just one person from giving away their money to them then it was worth spending the last 2 hours writing all this down.

As for me now, I am still in my funk and I spend loads of time playing pointless games on facebook and elsewhere and watching TV.  Its pointless but its brain numbing and that's all I am up for lately.  I do however know myself and know that it will pass and I look forward to it when it does because it would be nice to blog again, tweet more and get back to that novel I haven't touched in weeks.

As for these scammers, justice will be done, one way or another.  Watch this space.

Bx


An Update (24 November 2012):

Whilst writing the above, myself and a few other people were involved in a BBC documentary in exposing these people.  I was not allowed to say anything about it due to the BBC wanting to keep it under wraps and not alert them to what was going on.  The show was 'Inside Out' and it was to be featured on the BBC West Midlands channel and aired on October 22nd 2012.  While I felt very positive at the time that this would make UK Visa and Immigration/UK Immigration Barristers accountable and would get the Police and other legal people involved, as far as my knowledge goes, nothing has really come of it.  Ash Shadat was approached and agreed to go on air and admitted that there was 'some issues'.  However, he denied that they were trying to scam anyone and blamed everyone but himself for the lack of service and said that they had not received any money from the 'merchants' via which people had paid.  Funny that, when I had received an email right after I paid thanking me for my payment, which they have received that day.  He went on to say that he would gladly pay people back out of his OWN POCKET if need be, yet still ignored my emails after the show and still hasn't offered to pay me back.  He never will.  He is a liar and his smooth slick words on the show only show how good he is at it.  Sadly too, none of the other 'Inside Out' show across the UK region picked it up so the only viewership the show got was the West Midlands.  This is not only a UK wide problem, people abroad too should be seeing this.  It effects people across the world!

In saying this, the experience of doing the show was fun and there were moments I felt like a movie star.  Especially when filming on London Bridge and having hundreds of people gather round and watch what we were doing whilst I had a camera in my face and had to pretend like that, nor all the people who were staring were there!  Fun times and certainly something I will remember forever, and can now happily cross off 'Act on a TV show (on location)' from my bucket list. The guys at the BBC (Jane. Stewart, Giles, Gary) are wonderful too and I am glad to have met them.  I understand that there is only so much you can fit into a 10 minute TV segment yet I am still sad that the pain and heartache that was felt by not only me, but by the other 'victims' that were on the show didn't really come through, nor that anything positive (in my understanding) has come from it.

As stated above,  I have still not received any money back from Ash Shadat, despite emailing him again after the TV show and calling him on his promise to refund everyone.  I did however, get my money refunded from my credit card institution a few weeks back 'pending further investigation' so I hope they take him to the cleaners.  I somehow doubt it though.  If you have had your money stolen from these scammers and paid via credit card, I suggest you try getting your money back from your card agency.  You may get lucky?  I know some people who were denied this, but I am one of the lucky ones I guess. 

I have to be honest though, I have lost faith in the police and the legal system.  It seems they are either not interested, or they just don't have the power to take criminals such as these down? 

I am still trying to process my citizenship application, I am filling out the documents myself, which isn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be, though it is a pain in the arse.  I will then be taking it to my local council, who offers the service to check it for you, to verify your documents and make copies of them and give them back to you so your originals to not have to go to the UKBA, which is handy if you need them for travel or something. Check the UKBA website to see if your local council offers this service.  Its not free (nothing it appears is) but its a damn side lot cheaper than the fees that these scammers charge.
I am just about done with that and hope to be going there next week, at which time, assuming all is OK, my application will go through and it will then be out of my hands.  Either way, I am so tired of all of this now and sometimes wish I hadn't bothered, but I guess, if this all goes well the end result will be worth it. It's taken a year to do this, 6 months of which I lost waiting for an agency who promised to make it easier for me and ultimately stole my money and put me through this nightmare.  I cannot stress enough how bad they are, and how I wish everyone would read this and not give them a penny.  As long as people are paying, they will keep taking.
 

Looking back

I have just returned from a week away with my family down to the south coast of England.  Hastings to be more specific. And while I don't think Hastings is the best holiday destination in the world, the weather wasn't too bad (for England) and all in all I had a good time.  This blog however, is not about the joys of my holiday or me informing you what we got up to, its about the thoughts that went through my mind while I was there.

Don't stop reading, I don't intend to bore you with a blow by blow account but I do warn you that it's going to be an emotional one. So where to start?

We left on the Thursday (a day early but we like to start things off early in our household) and spent the night in a Premier Inn in Aylesbury which is about 40 miles outside of London.  It was a good night and in true Davies fashion we sat outside in the dark, drinking a few drinks and generally having a good time.  A whole week away by the sea in the sun (hopefully) was beckoning so the moods were high and the laughter and wine was flowing.

Friday morning at round about 7.30 my phone rang.  We were up and had just finished breakfast, intending to get an early start and hopefully miss the traffic that I was expecting to find on the M25 as it was Olympic day in London and I expected it to be crazy.  I had no idea who could be phoning me so early on the first 'official' day of my holiday so imagine my surprise when I answered and heard the voice of my sister-in-law, Lynette, all the way from New Zealand.  A call at that time - and it being nobody's birthday - set off an alarm bell in my head and rightfully so.

She was phoning me with news that my mother was in intensive care in a hospital back in South Africa.  Something about gall stones and gall bladder and for the life of me (having had galls stones myself and my gall bladder removed a few years ago) I could not understand why she was in ICU?
Needless to say, the good mood spiralled right down and I spent the second half of the trip towards Hastings in a funk trying to reach my dad and find out what exactly was going on.  As my parents still live in South Africa its so frustrating that I am unable to run to her bedside when things like this happen and the helplessness I feel is crushing.  It must be just as frustrating for my bother and sister-in-law who live in New Zealand, who like me, were now scrambling around to obtain whatever information they could.  Later, I spoke to my brother and he said he had spoken to a nurse and she indicted that there was some liver damage too.  What the f*ck?  Just what the hell does that mean??

My dad was always the one we expected the bad news from.  Without meaning to sound harsh, but that's just the way it is.  He worked for decades underground and smoked for even longer and has been diagnosed with all kinds of lung problems, leftover issues from his career in the mines and his smoking habit.  It's not unusual for my mom to tell me my dad is not feeling well or is having problem breathing every now and then, so to hear that my mom is in the Intensive Care Unit with gall stone and liver problems was frankly, mind blowing.

Knowing that we were on holiday and not wanting to spoil things for everyone else, I put a smile on my face and attempted to enjoy the first day of our holiday.  I kept telling myself that it was only gall stones, like I mentioned, I have had the same problem and have been through the same operation and I had absolutely no after effects from the removal of my gall bladder, so my mom was going to be just fine. Right?

The next day, the news was even worse.  I received a text from my dad informing me that my mom has Cirrhosis of the Liver and to let my brother know.  We were travelling at the time when the text came through and I felt the bottom of my world drop out of me as I read it.    This could not be right.  My mother doesn't drink!  They must have made a mistake. I called my dad, just to confirm he hadn't made a mistake but there you go, it is what it is.  My mother has Diabetes and they suspect that the insulin and medication she uses to treat this has led to the liver damage and cirrhosis and life just fucking sucks right now doesn't it?

I called my brother and struggled over the words, stuttering and mumbling, not wanting to say them, because saying the words out loud would make them real. I can only imagine how my brother would have struggled to tell me the same thing.

Not to dwell on this subject too long, I can tell you that my mom is home now and is in good spirits. I spoke to her when she was out of ICU and in a normal ward and she was being kept in a few more days just to finish her antibiotics and she was feeling much better.  They are now awaiting test results back to see how bad her liver is and how treatable it is.  According to the doctors, if caught in the early stages it is highly treatable and she will be fine.  Here is hoping.  She has not been a diabetic her whole life...she was diagnosed about 8 or 9 years ago and as the diabetes got worse, the medication got stronger so I am hoping that its only the latest round of medication that has caused the damage and not years worth of it.  We will have to wait to hear what the prognosis is.

This bad, unexpected news however, did a funny thing to my head.  It made me dwell.  It made me look back and all the time while we were away on holiday I kept reminiscing.  Back to when I was a child, to memories buried in my head with my parents and my brother.  How lucky I am to have the life I have, the family I have and the wonderful memories I have accumulated over the years.  But mostly, it got me focusing on my own family and how much I love them.  

How much I love my husband and I found myself watching him and cataloguing all the wonderful things he is and does. How well he takes care of us, his polite nature when he drives, small things like how he will stop and allow people to go ahead of him, how he always has his hands in his pockets handing out money to the kids and will buy me and them whatever we wish for.  How selfless he is and always makes sure that everyone has what they need before he thinks of himself.  But his most endearing quality, that he is so easily pleased.  Give him a piece of meat, a fire to cook it on and a beer in his hand, and he is happy as Larry and giddy as punch.  I noted all this and wondered why I hadn't taken note of them before.

My daughter and how grateful I am that we have the bond that we do.  Many people were surprised that my 18 year old daughter still wanted to go on holiday with us and I wondered about this too.  But there you go, it is what it is.  She and I share almost a supernatural ESP.  We think the same and feel the same.  She confides in me on almost everything and we are like mirror images of each other in our mannerisms and actions.  She is loving and attentive and a beautiful person and I found myself looking at her and wondering how I got so lucky to have such an amazing child.  Yes, I admit, I am biased, but aside from the moodiness that sometimes descends upon her I still feel that she is the best daughter anyone could ever ask for.

As for my son, I marvel at his loving nature.  He may be oblivious to a lot of things, but his kind hearted and loving nature is so endearing.  He does anything anyone asks of him without a whisper of a complaint and his ready smile and loving arms he wraps around me from time to time make me marvel on how I got so lucky?  His happy-go-lucky nature is inspiring too and I should take a feather from his cap and learn not to dwell on the negative side of things so much.

I am in love with all of them.  I don't know how I got so lucky to have such incredible people in my life. My mom and dad, my brother, sister-in-law, my nephews, my ex mother-in-law who I still love dearly, my friends, and there are so many of them but a special mention to Maggie and Paul and I also love dearly, but mostly for Pete, Alycia and Morné.  You make my life worth living.


Mommy, please get better.  I love you so much and cannot bear that you are ill.


Bx

A Window Into The Dark

A while ago I considered moving my blog to a new cosy destination at Wordpress.  After I set it all up I had second thoughts - I like what I have created here.  I have awesome followers and awesome comments and I don't wanna give that all up.  So, after much thought I decided to keep the new blog but have something all together different.
A Window Into The Dark will feature things of a darker nature.  Poetry, short stories and the like, not only by me, but by various authors/bloggers (or wherever I can find a piece that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up).

I invite you to visit there occasionally and as always, I will love to hear from you if you have been there.   In the meanwhile, I will keep blogging my thoughts, reviews and the usual things that I do, but I now have a home for the darker things that I sometimes like to write about.

Fun times!

I have already posted something amazing which I read yesterday and absolutely loved, and have reblogged it from its original spot on the web. I love this guys work and have tried to feature him for ages on this blog and finally got my way on the new one.  For that, and hopefully much more to come in the future, please visit A Window Into the Dark 

Bx

Getting Busy

I have just passed the 5000 word mark on the novel that I am writing.  Yes, I actually typed that - the novel that I am writing. 5000 words does not seem like such an incredible landmark, but it has taken me literally days to get there.  It's a hell of a lot harder than I ever thought.
I wont get into details about what it is about, but I will say that as I write I am now being faced with a lot of potential questions that I have no reference to answer. Well, that's my problem to solve I guess and considering it's my book, I can potentially write whatever I like and make it up as I go along?  However, I need to make it at least slightly believable, right?
I now find myself lying in bed at night wondering how I am going to explain this, or how I am going to make that happen.  Then, realising another huge obstacle that I will need to have some sort of explanation for to make it sound legit.  Urgggg!!  Its crazy!

Getting one page done can take ages.  I'll type a sentence, read it and then backspace and do it over, differently, so it reads better, and then backspace again.  This is why reaching those 5000 words is such an amazing landmark for me, I've literally written 15000 words, but deleted and rewritten most of it.

I have had so much encouragement from so many wonderful people I cannot even begin to say, though I will try to mention some of them now.
Mark Frankcom has been a huge encouragement.  He is a published author and is constantly asking me how I am getting on.  Most times, I have had nothing but excuses, but he has egged me on relentlessly.  Jane Isaac too, another published author, who I have blogged about quite a bit has been a treasure house of information and encouragement.  She has shared with me ups and downs and tried to advise me on how to proceed and I have taken every little bit of information straight to heart.
My daughter, my biggest encourager pokes and prods me and asks me when I am going to get started writing and has patiently listened to my ideas and come up with her own ideas and is now avidly reading and the look of excitement on her face only makes me want to do more more more!  I fear though, that she would love it even if it was a epic fail. 
Veronica Stewart, who I have practically known my whole life has recently started writing and we bounce off each other too.  She has this giddy, excited attitude, which rubs off on me a little and I think, in a sense, we spur each other on.  But the best thing to have happened to me recently, and what probably really got the ball rolling on this 'novel' is Laura Jamez.  I met her on twitter and reading her blog and her tweets I realised I was looking at another me.  Our situations are very similar.  Around about the same age, with the same ambition, with the same life distractions.  So together, we came up with a plan.  Once a week, every week, we pass on a chapter to each other.  We critique it and encourage each other and advise each other if we get stuck.  The good thing about this is that I am now forced to type something. Granted I have a whole week to do just one chapter, but I now need to be disciplined enough to sit myself down and ensure I have that one chapter done.  Instead, I have found, I don't stop writing, and its this that has been powering me on to be able to tell you I have reached 5000 words.

Its early days I know.  I don't know how long we will continue to do this before some life distraction intervenes, and I am a realist and know that things constantly change, but I do hope that we will continue to do this for as long as it takes.  Because its good for me, and it's getting me focused.

Whether this novel ever actually gets finished remains to be seen, and if it does, whether it gets snapped up by a publishing house is a bigger hurdle to face.  There is always the self-publishing option to consider but right now, I need to focus on the next 5000 words.  Hopefully I will get there quicker than the last 5000 took.

Bx

Please feel free to visit Laura's blog by clicking here: Office Mango