Invisible

Warning: This is going to be a rant

I'm sure each and everyone of us has felt lonely at some point in our lives.  And I am willing to bet, that most of you have felt lonely in a sea of people? You know what I mean?  When you are surrounded by people everywhere, yet you feel unseen and unheard.
This happens to me sometimes.  And I will admit, it's probably tied to the kind of mood I am in at the time.  Normally, I am the kind of girl who will go into any room and start talking.  In crowds of people, it's usually me that's trying to crack jokes, who is laughing and who is having conversations with various people.  I can be loud and I can be giddy.  I usually am.  I am not afraid to meet new people and I am usually making a new friend every other day. 
So, when the day comes that I am standing there, and people are milling around me but I am quiet and feel like going to stand in the corner, it can be quite disconcerting.

Today has been a funny kind of day.  The day itself at the office was fine.  I was quite busy and my general attitude to the job was positive.  I didn't growl at too many people and was quite eager to help where I could and give a pep talk where it was needed.  The weather was crap though.  It has been a bit of a reality check after having almost 2 weeks of SUMMER in Manchester to wake up this morning to the grey and rain that is the bain of my life. By 10am this morning, my straightened hair was showing clear signs of waves, and by 2pm, curl melt-down had occurred.  On top of that, I had managed to get my shoes soaked through and cringed with disgust every time I had to put them back on. However, it was the 'bad news' after 'bad news' that I got today that seriously put a damper on things.

First, it was a text from hubby letting me know that his work van had been broken into.  A number of things had been taken, including a Satnav and his own personal CD's amongst other things. What made it worse for me was that his boss had blamed him and told him off about it. That is something I would never do.  I am sure you would feel gutted enough as it is and not need someone to hold you accountable for something so totally out of your control.

Next though, was the email I got from my mom.  Out of the blue she informs me that she has been in hospital for the last 4 days due to a very high sugar count and her diabetes has gone through the roof.  The only reason she was admitted in the first place was because she had complained to the doctor about back ache.  The back problem took a back seat the moment they checked her sugar levels and rushed her straight into hospital.  I can understand why she didn't tell me when she was first admitted.  Besides, there really isn't much I can do 5000 miles away, but I was still upset.  Not only because she is clearly not well, but because I AM 5000 miles away and helpless. 

I jumped on the phone after reading her email and called her. I needed to hear her voice and make sure she really was ok now.  And aside from sounding very tired, I believe that as long as she sticks to the diet they gave her, and injects the insulin as she has been instructed, she will be ok.  As for the back, well, it turned out to be something quite minor. 

Yet I felt my mood drop right through the floor.  Its been nearly 5 years since I have seen my parents.  Sure, I talk to my mom often, and we chat on Facebook as you do, but I haven't seen her in almost 5 years.  Each year we talk about going back to South Africa to see them, but that silly old issue with money keeps coming up.  You won't believe how much it costs now-a-days for 4 people to fly return to Johannesburg.  And then other, more affordable things come up - like trips to Greece, new car, citizenship, and trips out to the where-ever....and you think, next year.  I will go to SA next year.

Shortly after my talk with my mom I got another email from a very good friend and she was asking me how I was.  Of course, I told her about my mom, and the car and how sad I was at not having seen my mom or dad in so long and she pointed out a few obvious things I could do.  Saving money being one obvious one, but she also asked why I don't just go by myself. If only just for a week, to spend some time with them.  Admittedly, flight costs for me would be a lot cheaper, but I would feel selfish not taking the children with me and then there is hubby to think about too. So what to do? What to do?

This evening, I came home to find the CSI (yes, you read that correctly) parked outside my house, doing a thorough 'Crime Scene Investigation' on the work van. A little bit of action that would normally have had me giddy with excitement and I just ended up sitting on the couch bored with it all, looking at the take-away menu, wondering what to eat. I couldn't even decide on that.

Tonight, I went onto Twitter and after reading through a few tweets, marketing my new blog for contributors, felt totally lost and lonely.  All these people, tweeting, chatting and what have you, and I may as well have been invisible, because that is how I felt. I spotted people there, who were tweeting, who I tweeted yesterday and who hadn't replied to me, so I felt ignored by them.  My mood dropped even further, and the thought 'Lonely in a sea of people' came to mind.

So, here I am blogging about my feelings tonight and thinking to myself that the reader is probably thinking I need to get over myself.  The reader would be right in saying that too, because I do need to get over myself. As I type this I am thinking exactly that.  But, as I have said many times, there is nothing better, than writing my feelings down, for me to best express myself and get it all off my chest.  I usually walk away feeling better for it anyway and that is perhaps the quickest way for me to get over myself.  But every once in a while, we do have a down day don't we, and I personally think it's allowed. 

So, if you ever feel like you are alone amongst hundreds of people, be it Facebook or Twitter or whatever other social media or situation you are in, you are not alone.  There is probably always someone there who is just wishing someone would reach out to them and include them.  As for me, I will most likely be back to my usual loud/happy self tomorrow but for tonight, I'd like very much to feel sorry for myself thank you very much.

Miss you mom and dad xxxxxxx


Bx