A Window Into The Dark

A while ago I considered moving my blog to a new cosy destination at Wordpress.  After I set it all up I had second thoughts - I like what I have created here.  I have awesome followers and awesome comments and I don't wanna give that all up.  So, after much thought I decided to keep the new blog but have something all together different.
A Window Into The Dark will feature things of a darker nature.  Poetry, short stories and the like, not only by me, but by various authors/bloggers (or wherever I can find a piece that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up).

I invite you to visit there occasionally and as always, I will love to hear from you if you have been there.   In the meanwhile, I will keep blogging my thoughts, reviews and the usual things that I do, but I now have a home for the darker things that I sometimes like to write about.

Fun times!

I have already posted something amazing which I read yesterday and absolutely loved, and have reblogged it from its original spot on the web. I love this guys work and have tried to feature him for ages on this blog and finally got my way on the new one.  For that, and hopefully much more to come in the future, please visit A Window Into the Dark 

Bx

Getting Busy

I have just passed the 5000 word mark on the novel that I am writing.  Yes, I actually typed that - the novel that I am writing. 5000 words does not seem like such an incredible landmark, but it has taken me literally days to get there.  It's a hell of a lot harder than I ever thought.
I wont get into details about what it is about, but I will say that as I write I am now being faced with a lot of potential questions that I have no reference to answer. Well, that's my problem to solve I guess and considering it's my book, I can potentially write whatever I like and make it up as I go along?  However, I need to make it at least slightly believable, right?
I now find myself lying in bed at night wondering how I am going to explain this, or how I am going to make that happen.  Then, realising another huge obstacle that I will need to have some sort of explanation for to make it sound legit.  Urgggg!!  Its crazy!

Getting one page done can take ages.  I'll type a sentence, read it and then backspace and do it over, differently, so it reads better, and then backspace again.  This is why reaching those 5000 words is such an amazing landmark for me, I've literally written 15000 words, but deleted and rewritten most of it.

I have had so much encouragement from so many wonderful people I cannot even begin to say, though I will try to mention some of them now.
Mark Frankcom has been a huge encouragement.  He is a published author and is constantly asking me how I am getting on.  Most times, I have had nothing but excuses, but he has egged me on relentlessly.  Jane Isaac too, another published author, who I have blogged about quite a bit has been a treasure house of information and encouragement.  She has shared with me ups and downs and tried to advise me on how to proceed and I have taken every little bit of information straight to heart.
My daughter, my biggest encourager pokes and prods me and asks me when I am going to get started writing and has patiently listened to my ideas and come up with her own ideas and is now avidly reading and the look of excitement on her face only makes me want to do more more more!  I fear though, that she would love it even if it was a epic fail. 
Veronica Stewart, who I have practically known my whole life has recently started writing and we bounce off each other too.  She has this giddy, excited attitude, which rubs off on me a little and I think, in a sense, we spur each other on.  But the best thing to have happened to me recently, and what probably really got the ball rolling on this 'novel' is Laura Jamez.  I met her on twitter and reading her blog and her tweets I realised I was looking at another me.  Our situations are very similar.  Around about the same age, with the same ambition, with the same life distractions.  So together, we came up with a plan.  Once a week, every week, we pass on a chapter to each other.  We critique it and encourage each other and advise each other if we get stuck.  The good thing about this is that I am now forced to type something. Granted I have a whole week to do just one chapter, but I now need to be disciplined enough to sit myself down and ensure I have that one chapter done.  Instead, I have found, I don't stop writing, and its this that has been powering me on to be able to tell you I have reached 5000 words.

Its early days I know.  I don't know how long we will continue to do this before some life distraction intervenes, and I am a realist and know that things constantly change, but I do hope that we will continue to do this for as long as it takes.  Because its good for me, and it's getting me focused.

Whether this novel ever actually gets finished remains to be seen, and if it does, whether it gets snapped up by a publishing house is a bigger hurdle to face.  There is always the self-publishing option to consider but right now, I need to focus on the next 5000 words.  Hopefully I will get there quicker than the last 5000 took.

Bx

Please feel free to visit Laura's blog by clicking here: Office Mango

Book review - Library of the Dead by Glenn Cooper

Library of the Dead by Glenn Cooper
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I am surprised by how much I enjoyed this book. It was recommended to me by a friend and I wasn't sure I would like it but read it anyway, mostly to humour her. Library of the Dead, started out slow, and confusing. There are a number of different timelines woven into the book, 777AD, 1947 and 2009, each with their own story. As I read, I wondered how they would all come together and I don't mind saying, I was a little confused as each time frame told a completely separate story. However, each story was interesting enough that I kept reading, hoping I would finally be able to understand how they all tied together. The more I read, the more I became engrossed. This was another one of those books I found I could not put down.
By the end of the story, I was amazed by how clever the author had been. Glenn Cooper has written a book so brilliantly, that even as I read, I had no idea how he would tie everything together, but he did, and did it so well, that when I put the book down, I immediately had to Google some of the points he had stated, just to check if there was any validity in it. That's how well I bought into the story. Either that, or I am just plain gullible.
I have only ever done that with one other book.

I will definitely be buying the follow up 'Book of Souls' and I do hope that he keeps me guessing and page turning, as much as he did with this one.
5 Stars for me

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Fifty Shades of What???

Warning: this review contains some spoilers – Do not read if you haven’t read or finished the Fifty Shades of Grey series

A few months back a friend from across the pond asked me if I had heard of this phenomenon that had hit the States called Fifty Shades of Grey.  I hadn’t but went and checked out the link that he gave me and have to say that I wasn’t entirely blown away by the description.  Or at least, the book didn’t scream ‘buy me buy me’ when I was reading the synopsis.  I didn’t think much of it after that until a few weeks later when a very good friend of mine texted me one afternoon.  I won’t say exactly what she said to me (much too explicit!) but basically ordered me to get Fifty Shades of Grey and read it immediately as it was amazing.  Having now had two people recommend the book to me, I decided to bite the bullet and downloaded the first of 3 books in the series called Fifty Shade of Grey.

So, who hasn’t heard of this book?  It's what everyone is talking about at the moment.  It’s everywhere.  On Facebook, Twitter and if you stop and listen, I am pretty sure you will hear someone talking about it on the bus or on the train.  Fifty Shades of Grey has taken the world by storm, pretty much like Twilight did in its prime. 

My experience with these books has been a little bit up and down really.  The first one hooked me and drew me in and had me gasping for more.  It really does suck you in and before you know it, you are addicted.  I am not sure if I was addicted to the book or if I was addicted to Christian Grey.  I even tweeted and facebooked a few times about wanting my very own Christian Grey.  It would be heaven to have a man as gorgeous as the author described him, or as rich as he apparently is with that dark brooding side to be obsessed with me like Christian is with Anastasia.  Oh yes, I will have some of that thank you very much. 

But what sets this series apart from anything else mainstream out there is the kink.  You want to read about sex?  Well, you need to be reading Fifty Shades.  You want to read about bdsm?  Have you bought the book yet?  There is oodles and oodles of it in the book.  I have read in a few places that the byline for Fifty Shades is ‘Mommy Porn’ and I would have to agree with that. 

What is surprising is that it has gone mainstream.  I personally think that is great and that is one incredible thing that Fifty Shades has done.  It has taken a topic – Erotica – and has got everyone talking.  It has turned shy, reserved and conservative women into raving sex goddesses.  Suddenly, its OK if you are telling your best friend (and in some cases, the world) that you plan on being hogtied by your lover this weekend.  I just heard a woman tell another woman that her friend told her she was going to be buying her very own bondage kit this weekend after reading Fifty Shades and aside from giggling, nobody sat there stunned by this revelation.  I cannot see that being the case a year ago?  For that, I think Fifty Shades has been awesome.  A lot of woman (Mommy's?) will also be living out secret fantasies when reading this, keeping them hooked and turning pages at the speed of lightening.

After I read the books, I recommended them to a few of my colleagues at work and the feedback has been the same from all of them.  Hooked.  Love it. When is the movie coming out?  And that is another thing that’s got everyone buzzing. Who is going to star in the movie? Who is going to play Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele?  I admit that if I happen upon an article about casting for it, I stop and read it.  I have my own personal favourites who I hope will star in the role of Christian and its not Robert Pattinson!

Now for the downside.

EL James, the author, apparently finished reading Breaking Dawn from the Twilight series in January 2008 (I read this a few weeks ago and hope I have remembered this fact correctly) and decided she was going to write her own book.  It shows.  There has been some bad reviews regarding her credibility as a writer, just like there has been some for Stephanie Meyer, but who cares?  If you can write a book that is selling millions and has become a cult phenomenon, do you really need to write like Charles Dickens?  Indeed, everyone has stood up and is now paying attention.  But that's not the point I am trying to make.  It's the Twilight references I am referring to.  Fifty Shades of Grey is Twilight rewritten. Just take out the vampires, the paranormal and add kinky sex and you have Fifty Shades.  While I don't think that's an unforgivable sin I do think the writer let herself down.  She had a brilliant idea, and has taken a somewhat taboo topic and made it mainstream which is incredible, but would it have been such a bad thing if she had chosen a new and original plot?  Instead, almost right throughout the book I pause as I realise that this or that character represents this or that character from Twilight.  Christian is obviously Edward as Anastasia is obviously Bella.  Other obvious parallels are Mia/Alice, Elliot/Emmet, Dr Grey/Carlisle etc etc.  And then there is the plot.  Brooding, gorgeous, unobtainable man meets clumsy, naive young girl.  Welcome to my world he says...only this time, instead of vampires and scary monsters, its bdsm and scary rooms full of sex toys.  

Don't get me wrong.  I didn't hate it. Not at all!  I still loved the story and in some ways, when I spotted the references I smiled, but she could have done so much better.  She could have done anything!

Also while I LOVED Fifty Shades of Grey, for me Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed didn't quite measure up.  I will admit that this is entirely a personal choice, but I loved the edgy, sexy side of book 1. While there is a constant supply of sex scenes through all the books (believe me, it never stops!) I missed the naughty, erotic scenes that was the focus of book 1 and became less and less so in the later books. Also, it felt that slowly the power started to shift from him to her and the story started to evolve into more of a love story than what it originally started out to be. In a small way, this was disappointing as I was initially totally enthralled by our hero Christian and it turned out he was just a regular guy after all.  Nothing wrong with that of course but the man that I read about in book 1 was really the man I was hoping to still be reading about in book 3 and it felt less and less like it the closer I got to the end. 

Perhaps EL James had intended to make him the flawed, soft hearted (yes, that he is!) man that he ended up being.  But I missed the tough guy with the firm voice and controlling manner.  Perhaps I am just a little kinky myself but judging by the reaction of all these women who are reading and raving about Fifty Shades, I don't think I am the only one.

Did I hate Fifty Shades?  Not at all. I loved it! I rated it 5 stars on 'Goodreads' and I am not changing my mind. It's a great story and its written in such a way that you cannot, nor will you want to put it down.  Do I understand the hype? Not really if I am honest.  But I do love that an 'Erotica' book has gone mainstream and perhaps that's what all the hype is about.  Everyone can finally talk freely and openly about kinky sex and not have people thinking you're a pervert.

Though I could be wrong about that? :)

Bx

A daily blog?

Should I be blogging everyday?  This is a question I have just been asking myself as I read the tweets that move down my timeline by other bloggers who seem to do so.  I don't know if they just have something to say all the time, or if they are just dedicated enough to do so.
When it comes to blogging, I am an emotional writer.  I write when I feel strongly enough about something that I need to put my feelings into words.  I have always been like that.  If something has upset me, left me emotionally charged or has got my brain thinking really hard I tend to turn to this blog and write it down.

That's why I think, I struggle so with getting my novel off the ground. I have started it - believe it I have - but it takes such motivation and dedication to go back to it daily - which I don't - and I wonder if I will ever actually get one done. 

There are days I think to myself that I should write something on here as I am aware I haven't blogged for a while, but if the need isn't there, or the topic isn't buzzing in my head, then I don't.

But should I?

Would it not teach me dedication?  Would I, in forcing myself to write something creative everyday, not teach myself tenacity and would I not develop the willpower (or even get into the habit) of writing a few thousand words a day and hence finally finishing my novel? I am not sure?

I do know that if I continue on at this pace, this novel will never get done so one way or another I need to pull my finger out. 

I have a few readers who diligently read each of my posts on my blog (for which I am so grateful) but would they get tired of reading something I felt I had to put up on the blog just for the sake of saying something on a daily basis?  Probably.  If it lacked imagination and creativity I am sure they would.

But is it something I need to train myself to do?  To milk my imagination? To force those creative juices into  flowing, rather than to just write when the moment is hot?

Hmmmm....something to ponder on I guess.

What are your thoughts?

Bx

A review on An Unfamiliar Murder by Jane Isaac

An Unfamiliar Murder by Jane Isaac
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Jane Isaac's book - 'An Unfamiliar Murder', is as fast paced as it is full of twists and turns. Unfortunately, I am one of those readers, that if a book doesn't grab my attention from the beginning I don't usually persevere with it for too long. 'An Unfamiliar Murder' however, did grab my attention and I found myself eagerly turning the pages so I could find out what would happen to Anna next?

Anna Cottrell is a young woman who inadvertently finds herself thrown into a web of murder and intrigue when she comes home one day to find a dead body in her flat. As more and more details of her life unfold, details that Anna herself did not know, you cannot help but wonder what she will find out next and where it all leads? Who is this person watching her and is it who I think it may be?
The other leading lady in this novel, DCI Helen Lavery is portrayed as a hard working, ambitious woman, with an enormous task on her hands - that of solving the murder. As the reader I attempted to solve the crime myself many times, only to find out I was wrong and to absolutely feel Helen's frustration.
All the characters of the book are really well written, the plot is brilliant and the story totally believable.

When I started reading 'An Unfamiliar Murder' I was reminded of another non-fiction British crime author by the name of Mark Billingham. Ms Isaac's writing and the pace of her novel is to me, comparable to Mr Billingham's novels as DCI Helen Lavery reminded me very much of the main character in most of his books and for all readers who enjoy the pace and style of Mr Billingham, will not be disappointed by this new 'up and coming'. I often recommend him to friends and I will certainly be doing the same for Ms Isaac.

I am pleased that the author is writing a sequel. I look forward to the next story and know that if it is anything like this one, it will be one of those books I bury my nose in the moment I get it and not put it down until I have turned the last page.

View all my reviews

A review on Slave by Sherri Hayes

Slave by Sherri Hayes
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

It was 2am on Saturday morning when I finally put this book down. I had started reading it the day before and had become so engrossed in it, I refused to stop reading until I had read the last word.
'Slave', is unlike any other BDSM genre book I have read, and I have read quite a few. It is also, in my opinion, the best one I have read. Don't expect to be reading sex scene after sex scene with this book. In fact, there are none. Nor is it one of those that you will get your rocks off on, at least it wasn't for me, however, it does delve deep into the world of dominance not sugar coating any of it.

The book deals with the journey two people make who are both in the scene. One, willingly, the other, not so much. Stephen (a Dominant) is an affluent business man who 'buys' a slave girl (Brianna) in order to 'save' her. The journey is slow and hard for both of them. For him, as he gradually comes to terms with his deeper feelings for her and for her, as she slowly realises that she is indeed free. There were times I felt he made the wrong decisions/choices, yet as you read you might agree that you would have done the same and it only made him more human in my eyes. The characters are exceptionally well written and the book fast paced - I was not bored in a single paragraph. Although dealing in-depth with the sometimes controversial topic of BDSM, 'Slave' is heart wrenching and poignant and I find myself wanting to scream from the rooftops for everyone to read it, although I do understand it might not be to everyone's taste. I have read that some did not like the ending, but I feel that it was staged perfectly to lead into the sequel.

I have done a few reviews, some at the request of the authors, but with 'Slave' the moment I had finished reading it, I wanted to jump on Amazon and Goodreads and tell the world how 'WOW' it was but as it was in the silly hours of the morning and I was desperately tired, I opted for searching for the author on Twitter and told her instead. This review could wait till the morning.

Worth every penny I paid and the 5 star rating in my opinion and I will definitely be buying the sequel to this. I do hope Ms Hayes will be publishing it soon.

View all my reviews

Beautiful Blogger Award - woot! Go me!

Its always lovely when you find out that you have been nominated for a blogger award so I was thrilled yesterday to find out I had been nominated by the incredible Jane Isaac for the 'Beautiful Blogger Award'. Check out her amazing blog here: Caffeine's not a crime and while you are at it, find out why she is such an amazing author by downloading/buying her debut novel that is causing quite a stir. An Unfamiliar Murder.


Now, as part of the award, I have to tell you 7 things about myself and nominate 7 bloggers to share this award with. Here goes:

1. I'm accident prone. If someone is going to fall down, it's probably me.
2. I’m a Titanic fanatic
3. I’ve got a very strange fascination with serial killers and devour everything there is to know about them.
4. I am short and usually sit with my legs tucked in under me on the computer chair because my feet don't reach the floor.
5. I'm age phobic (whoa!!! I bet nobody knew that!)
6. Purple is my favourite colour.
7. When I have my iPod headphones in, I sing out loud, know I cannot sing, but don't care.

I am only allowed to nominate 7 bloggers, which is actually very hard, because I could nominate many more.  However, here are my 7 chosen favourites:

1. Curse of Ancient Shadows – by Rod Tyson. A YA author who is an amazing person with an interesting cat-with-no-name
2. Daemonwulf - Home of the Lord of Wulves – by Daemonwulf.  I don't believe I have ever had a dull conversation with him!  The hairs at the back of your neck will stand up when you check out his blog.
3. essential guide to being unpublished  – by Nan Bovington quirky and she so reminds me of me.  She, however, is a way better blogger
4. fuonlyknew - by Laura Thomas. Averaging 2-3 blog posts per day (ok, that's a guess) I read almost every posting and am influenced by more of her book reviews than she probably knows.
5. Its worth a try – by Veronica Stewart. Relatively new blogger who adds a new chapter of her (soon it will be a novel) story about fairy adventures.  I've known her practically my whole life.
6. Morgue of Intrigue – by Cory Eadson. Winner of a recent flash fiction competition that had 88 entries and what can I say about Cory that I haven't already said on this blog and tweeted.  I miss him
7. There's always cracks – by Alycia Bezuidenhout. Obviously, I am biased when it comes to this young lady. I hope she knows how incredibly proud I am of her.

As I said, I could have nominated a load more but sadly I have been limited to 7. Know that even if you don't see your blog here, I still think you are beautiful

Thank you again Jane :)

The Gremlin and the Fox - Guest blog by Trish Doucette

I have known the author of this piece for a number of years.  Though quite a few years younger than me, we developed a bond that I have not made with very many people.  I would find it hard to put Trish in a box and label her for she is so many wonderful, diverse and exciting things to me.  Her personality is infectious and to know her, is to love her.  After having spent a year in Canada she returned to Manchester and we met up for lunch in February this year.  The girl I saw there was but a mere shell of her former bubbly, happy self.  I had not seen someone so sad and depressed and down on life and my heart went out to her.  Nothing, not even the smile she tried to give me, convinced me that she needed anything less than professional medical help and I urged her to do that.  I also asked her to write her feelings down and 4 months later, we met again.  This time, it was a different girl that I met.  Back, was the Trish that I knew and loved. Back was the girl full of life and laughter. During lunch, she took out her journal and read a piece to me that she had written in the midst of her depression. I was incredibly moved by it and asked her if I could blog it.  I'm grateful to say she agreed.  The piece below is very sad, yet it is hopeful. I believe this was the turning point for her and her slow recovery began here. Read it and draw your own conclusions. The picture is her portrayal of Mortimer. I hope you can appreciate this as much as I did.  Thank you Trish xx

the gremlin and the fox

I have once again stayed up consumed with the dread of facing another day. I watched television trying to distract/numb the fear. I craved the further escape of a book and climbed into bed approaching midnight. Despite feeling exhausted I continued reading. One o’clock came, two o’clock came, three o’clock too. Still I couldn’t give in to sleep. For reasons I will never understand the dark masks failure. It feels less concrete, less solid. The rising sun and what seems like endless daylight exposes the loser I have become. But back to the book. Its title amusingly enough is ‘Before I go to Sleep’. The protagonist has amnesia and perpetually arises to another day not remembering the past 20 years. As the story unfolds you discover she was a victim of a brutal attack and I quickly become engrossed. I long to forget my memories, to have my brain wiped clean of links to my past, happy and sad. And by the time I turn the last page I feel horrendous. My skin is putrid, my lungs burn, my head is filled with furry static. I turn out the lights fearing tomorrow, hoping I can sleep the day away. And then for whatever reason a glimpse of hope, the first in 6 months. I think to myself I can volunteer with an organisation until I resume my studies. The gremlin creeps up, the bad idea wolf growls “what organisation would possibly want you, you can’t do it, you don’t care anymore. Animal-lovin Trish is long gone”. And then a glimpse of a fox I saw crossing the street last night. My curtains were ajar for the first time. I was quickly checking my emails when the distant figure caught my eye. And somehow, someway I almost smiled. The corner of my lips slightly curved upwards. It could so easily have been missed but I felt the warmth somewhere deep inside. This was the first time since descending into darkness that I allowed an animal to bring me any joy. So I lay there thinking of that shadowed figure and I said “FUCK YOU, YOU WOLFY GREMLIN”. I am going to try. I want to try. Trying doesn’t seem so scary. But first I need to sleep. Shit, more wolfy gremlin. Let’s call him Mortimer. So Mortimer says “you are going to feel like fucking death warmed up tomorrow. Your skin is going to repulse you; you will want a smoke more than Pooh wants honey. You’ll be fat and fatigued, sickly and sore”. And I replied “YUP. BUT dearest Mortimer, you’re forgetting something. Trish is running this show. You are right, I will feel like death warmed up, my skin will repulse me and I will want me some honey. I’ll be pudgy and pathetic, ill and irritable but damn it I’ll have this. This mere moment way too late near the end of March when broken down and completely destitute I felt like me”. Clarity is mine and if I have to scramble deliriously to record this moment then that is exactly what I’ll do. So I am going to explore my options, contact my professor and allow myself some hope. Not only will I throw myself this bone but I will not stamp an expiration date on it. I have until September. Three months of experience would be stupendous. Living the rest of my life with joy, strength and humility means more. If I manage to sleep now I am going to miss a lot of tomorrow. But I hope that when I wake I will have the strength to walk with my Mom after eating a very late breakfast, finish that bastard sky in the missing one motherfucking piece puzzle, take Capone for an early evening stroll with my amazing fiancé and finish it all off with a new movie. Will I struggle with my appearance, absolutely! But I have caught a glimpse of Trish and though it seems an eternity I looked straight at that exhausted reflection and declared I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!!!!!!! Now I realise this first fleeting moment of catharsis will not cure my ailments but it’s a fucking start. Mortimer has held an iron grip for many months, for many years and today I think maybe just maybe I’m tough enough to beat this son of a bitch. It’s time to start walking down another street. OR possibly even drive but we’ll save that for another time.

Tata for now, signing off a tired but hopeful lady

Invisible

Warning: This is going to be a rant

I'm sure each and everyone of us has felt lonely at some point in our lives.  And I am willing to bet, that most of you have felt lonely in a sea of people? You know what I mean?  When you are surrounded by people everywhere, yet you feel unseen and unheard.
This happens to me sometimes.  And I will admit, it's probably tied to the kind of mood I am in at the time.  Normally, I am the kind of girl who will go into any room and start talking.  In crowds of people, it's usually me that's trying to crack jokes, who is laughing and who is having conversations with various people.  I can be loud and I can be giddy.  I usually am.  I am not afraid to meet new people and I am usually making a new friend every other day. 
So, when the day comes that I am standing there, and people are milling around me but I am quiet and feel like going to stand in the corner, it can be quite disconcerting.

Today has been a funny kind of day.  The day itself at the office was fine.  I was quite busy and my general attitude to the job was positive.  I didn't growl at too many people and was quite eager to help where I could and give a pep talk where it was needed.  The weather was crap though.  It has been a bit of a reality check after having almost 2 weeks of SUMMER in Manchester to wake up this morning to the grey and rain that is the bain of my life. By 10am this morning, my straightened hair was showing clear signs of waves, and by 2pm, curl melt-down had occurred.  On top of that, I had managed to get my shoes soaked through and cringed with disgust every time I had to put them back on. However, it was the 'bad news' after 'bad news' that I got today that seriously put a damper on things.

First, it was a text from hubby letting me know that his work van had been broken into.  A number of things had been taken, including a Satnav and his own personal CD's amongst other things. What made it worse for me was that his boss had blamed him and told him off about it. That is something I would never do.  I am sure you would feel gutted enough as it is and not need someone to hold you accountable for something so totally out of your control.

Next though, was the email I got from my mom.  Out of the blue she informs me that she has been in hospital for the last 4 days due to a very high sugar count and her diabetes has gone through the roof.  The only reason she was admitted in the first place was because she had complained to the doctor about back ache.  The back problem took a back seat the moment they checked her sugar levels and rushed her straight into hospital.  I can understand why she didn't tell me when she was first admitted.  Besides, there really isn't much I can do 5000 miles away, but I was still upset.  Not only because she is clearly not well, but because I AM 5000 miles away and helpless. 

I jumped on the phone after reading her email and called her. I needed to hear her voice and make sure she really was ok now.  And aside from sounding very tired, I believe that as long as she sticks to the diet they gave her, and injects the insulin as she has been instructed, she will be ok.  As for the back, well, it turned out to be something quite minor. 

Yet I felt my mood drop right through the floor.  Its been nearly 5 years since I have seen my parents.  Sure, I talk to my mom often, and we chat on Facebook as you do, but I haven't seen her in almost 5 years.  Each year we talk about going back to South Africa to see them, but that silly old issue with money keeps coming up.  You won't believe how much it costs now-a-days for 4 people to fly return to Johannesburg.  And then other, more affordable things come up - like trips to Greece, new car, citizenship, and trips out to the where-ever....and you think, next year.  I will go to SA next year.

Shortly after my talk with my mom I got another email from a very good friend and she was asking me how I was.  Of course, I told her about my mom, and the car and how sad I was at not having seen my mom or dad in so long and she pointed out a few obvious things I could do.  Saving money being one obvious one, but she also asked why I don't just go by myself. If only just for a week, to spend some time with them.  Admittedly, flight costs for me would be a lot cheaper, but I would feel selfish not taking the children with me and then there is hubby to think about too. So what to do? What to do?

This evening, I came home to find the CSI (yes, you read that correctly) parked outside my house, doing a thorough 'Crime Scene Investigation' on the work van. A little bit of action that would normally have had me giddy with excitement and I just ended up sitting on the couch bored with it all, looking at the take-away menu, wondering what to eat. I couldn't even decide on that.

Tonight, I went onto Twitter and after reading through a few tweets, marketing my new blog for contributors, felt totally lost and lonely.  All these people, tweeting, chatting and what have you, and I may as well have been invisible, because that is how I felt. I spotted people there, who were tweeting, who I tweeted yesterday and who hadn't replied to me, so I felt ignored by them.  My mood dropped even further, and the thought 'Lonely in a sea of people' came to mind.

So, here I am blogging about my feelings tonight and thinking to myself that the reader is probably thinking I need to get over myself.  The reader would be right in saying that too, because I do need to get over myself. As I type this I am thinking exactly that.  But, as I have said many times, there is nothing better, than writing my feelings down, for me to best express myself and get it all off my chest.  I usually walk away feeling better for it anyway and that is perhaps the quickest way for me to get over myself.  But every once in a while, we do have a down day don't we, and I personally think it's allowed. 

So, if you ever feel like you are alone amongst hundreds of people, be it Facebook or Twitter or whatever other social media or situation you are in, you are not alone.  There is probably always someone there who is just wishing someone would reach out to them and include them.  As for me, I will most likely be back to my usual loud/happy self tomorrow but for tonight, I'd like very much to feel sorry for myself thank you very much.

Miss you mom and dad xxxxxxx


Bx